Posted by firenrain on May 12, 2004, at 0:45:51
In reply to Are you sure...? » firenrain, posted by 64bowtie on May 11, 2004, at 21:38:57
> > This conversation sounds terribly close to the old "I have bad days too. I just pull mysef up by my bootstraps...".
> >
> > Thank God every day that you just cannot relate to the emotional pain many of us speak of.
> >
>
> <<< Your post implies that I am bragging about having a past full to the brim with dysfunction, that NYAH, NYAH, NUH, NYAH, NYAH, I don't have any, anymore. Puh-leeease.
>
> Please consider first that I don't have any time to dream up what you are accusing me of. I did, however, ask for everyones' opinion about their pain. Did you answer my request yet? You may. I invite you, specifically. I need to know. What is your pain like?
>
> If no one can get well, why try? I got well, and you can, toooo. I may not be good at telling my story about how I did it. I hope you do get well, if you want to, and do a better job than me telling how you did it. Sound good?
>
> Rod
>Sorry for the spiteful tone in my last post. I do realize that you have asked a question in your first post , but you also ask where and how the pain occurs, implying that you do not know how it feels... When you asked "If I want to get well" it hit an even deeper nerve... So here's my attempt to answer your question. I went for 5 years without antidep I too thought I was well. My denial continued until I was in a catatonic psychosis. I just wished that someone could get in my head for one day when I am so deeply depressed. My biggest fear is that I am not trying hard enough or that I have somehow brought this on myself. The self loathing chatter is saying things like, "Just make yourself get up, your not ill you are just sorry & worthless". Then the logic goes like this, "you are not an asset any where, you are just a waste of space, simply a liability to your family, must they watch you lie around pathetically, you bring no joy. If you really loved them you would just shoot yourself so that they can get on with their life, sure it may hurt them for a little bit but then they could have the rest of their lives without this humiliating burden". The insanity of my logic (at those times)is that this would be the most selfless act. That is such a brief and dim view of the chatter in my brain, yet on the outside I appear blank all movement seems slow & difficult. Just to shower was too much. Here's the thing... as a child I remember my mother being in a similar state. The general unspoken beliefe in our home was that she was just weak... if she would just try harder... I resented her for this. So when it happened to me I loathed myself I felt I would rather be dead than live like that. To describe the pain I would say it is like wearing dark glasses and all around is bleak, a feeling of impending doom, afraid to go out or work because everyone can see how messed up you are. My body feels heavy sluggish, I fel as though my brain cannot wake up, at times I feel like I am watching mysef and I am as disgusted as I feel those around me must be. I feel so alone, I am taken back at how bizzare I feel I am. I used to have a strong desire to burn myself it seemed to almost calm me. Was it because I was whipped as a child and so after I was "bad" the pain was like an attonement? Was it a way to show how much I hurt? Was it because the build up to the pain and after the burn (3rd degree)released endorphins similar to an orgasm to relieve anxiety? I believe all three. (Like, is it nature or nurture). I questioned spirituality like is this demons? & Why isn't my faith strong enough...Then usually after a hospitalization and a year or so on meds I tend to think that I overcame this illness...Follwed by several years without meds and the cycle continues...I desperately need to believe this is an illness that I did not cause, because if I don't, I fear I wll not feel worthy of life in my darkest hours... Hope this answers your question.
poster:firenrain
thread:344965
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/346024.html