Posted by DaisyM on May 12, 2004, at 19:39:10
In reply to Update *sigh*, posted by Aphrodite on May 6, 2004, at 14:41:03
Aphrodite,
I just got back from staff retreat and went straight from there to a therapy session. I can really relate to what you said about CEO taking charge.
I agree with everything Dinah said, and if rejection of your feelings (a huge issue for me) was part of your history, *of course* you are going to have a hard time letting them out. I also think you've got really, really high expectations about how "finally" letting go is going to help you, cure you and/or make it all better. It can be cathartic. For many people it is. It can move you closer to your therapist. But it can also be a huge let down, because even if the tears come out and rain all over your problems, they are still there, they still have to be "dealt" with. And if your Therapist doesn't respond like you are hoping he will, the moment can be painful.
I think my Therapist is wonderful. But I remember when he drew me into this intense, honest conversation about what I wanted and needed. He asked me to set aside the adult and he wanted to talk to the younger part of me. What SHE wanted and needed from him. And, unbelievably, she told him. And then there was silence. Long seconds, which turned to a minute and I finally had to say, "say something". I was so sure in that minute that everything I had allowed her to say was out of line and would be too much for him. And his silence was really hard to take.
He acknowledge how hard the silence must have been, said he was thinking of the best way to meet her needs and yet not have the adult run from therapy but that he didn't mean to hurt me or convey disapproval. It took us awhile to work back from there because it wasn't at all the fantasy of the cathartic cry I had in my head.
I also know what you mean by enjoying an intellectal discussion with your Therapist. I've been *so* in charge for days, it was impossible to let emotions into the room until the end. It was also great to "chat" with my Therapist about how this activity worked, or who said what...because he helped me work it all through last week. He was excited about self-reflective activities and we talked about my answers. I realized that I had been chattering away for 1/2 an hour and stopped, looked at the clock and went sheepish about how much I'd been rambling. He teased me about being so relaxed, and open and about "finally!" not watching the clock...well, almost.
But he's not one to ever let me get by with much, so near the end he asks a tough question for me "Were you able to take me with you?" knowing I hate to admit how much I need him, especially out loud. I liked chatting in the intellectual realm, he likes to examine the impact on "our" relationship. He wants me to be OK with needing him, I want to "stop it!"
You WILL get there. Give it time and keep trying. I hope today went well. Let us know.
poster:DaisyM
thread:342123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040512/msgs/346269.html