Posted by daisym on July 30, 2004, at 18:46:30
In reply to if the bridge leads to slaughter do you still go?, posted by B2chica on July 30, 2004, at 14:18:30
It is apparent that you've thought a lot about this issue and have great insight into what is really going on. It isn't that your journal is secret or private, it is that your husband feels left out. He may even be afraid that you are writing about him, and wants to know if he is making you worse. So, in the name of peace, maybe you shouldn't write in it when he is home, or awake. I think you said it yourself, he is frustrated to not be able to help you. Some people are just snoops.
It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that honest communication is the best way to handle some of these kinds of issues. After explaining over and over again that most of my husband's behaviors and needs are medication/illness driven, I've given up. It isn't that I am unaware that he can be selfish and self-involved WITHOUT these other things, but adding them in makes the whole situation impossible. I'm a pro at avoiding most of the fight triggers anymore.
Even my Therapist has stopped encouraging "talking it out." He agrees that most likely anything I tell him won't remain private and it will only result in a fight where I am made to feel even worse about feeling depressed. I have described us as drowning side-by-side in separate pools. Each with his/her own pain. I am unable and unwilling to share mine with him for fear of burdening an already overburdened person. Wishing that he was handling things with more grace and humor won't change that he isn't.
You can't change who your husband is or his relationship with his mom. But I think you might have a support in his mom that if you can find the courage to step toward, might really help you with the loneliness of keeping it all inside. Because you could then loop it back to include your husband. You say she is a wonderful person, is she trustworthy? Can she keep a secret? If so, maybe YOU talking to her first, might really help you.
You shouldn't have to defend your need for privacy. But ultimately, having the privacy is more important than him understanding why you need the privacy. I wish you could have both.
I know it is hard and you feel so alone. But you aren't. We are here for you, at least in cyberspace.
Hugs from me.
poster:daisym
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372480.html