Posted by Klokka on September 21, 2004, at 16:27:18
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
Okay, so I thought I was handling things okay after a few rough moments over the weekend, but I think my behaviour today proved otherwise. And also proved that I can't leave a coherent phone message to save my life.
Not this week, but two weeks from now, my pdoc will be on call and might not be able to see me. I forgot to mention until I left that I might be able to see him earlier that week - it's okay if I miss class on a very occasional basis because my teachers are understanding about it. Also, there's something I really need to talk about, but it's very hard and if I shut down at all emotionally, I can't - so if I am going to be able to bring it up at all, it will have to be at the beginning of a session because that's how feeble my grip on it it.
So I decided to leave a message today telling him those two things. I managed to forget to tell him what time I would be available in the week (I can only miss certain classes,) why I wanted to reschedule, how he could get in touch with me before Friday... and I think it was just generally incoherent, which I know from experience means he won't understand a word and I'll just find a message on my cell phone Thursday: "You'll have to be more clear..." and then when the next day's appointment is. I had a bit of a "speech" in mind (I've always had trouble with answering machines so it's a must) but I ended up realizing just as I started talking that I was next to a really noisy road, and apparently can't walk and talk coherently at the same time....
Now I feel so awful, like I hate myself just for calling, which really doesn't make any sense. I'm terrified he'll be angry... again, no sense involved, especially considering that, although I don't call all that often, a good three-quarters or more of my messages are incoherent and he's never cared, but I can't get over it. Why am I so incompetent? Why can't I just get over this? I'm so aware of both being attached and wanting to pull away from that attachment, too, and I can't stand it. I would never have gotten involved in this if I knew how much pain it would cause. I don't want to try anymore, but I have to and I can't rest. And I don't even want to think of what the winter will bring if things are this bad already... let alone how much whining I'll end up doing.
poster:Klokka
thread:392325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/393403.html