Posted by crushedout on October 26, 2004, at 23:02:32
In reply to Re: pretty bad depression » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on October 26, 2004, at 22:17:11
Thanks so much for you post, gg.
That stuff about atypical depression is interesting, and I didn't know anything about it. I'm on Lexapro (very low dose), but my mom's on an MAOI, and this depression, I *am* eating more, and feeling up occasionally, depending on stuff that happens to me during the day. I guess I have that rejection stuff, too -- I'm not sure. I'd be interested in learning more about it.
>> What did she say or do to make it seem like she was annoyed with you? Because if she genuinely was annoyed with you for being depressed, I'd, um, like to give her a good shake. Regarding her feeling hopeless, if I am understanding that right, you wanted her to join you in this feeling? I'm not sure about why you wanted this, and mostly I'm just curious.
I sensed her annoyance. I was mostly just sitting there and crying and not talking much (despite the fact that she was asking me questions), and she looked annoyed. So I asked her if she was. And she didn't deny it. Instead, she gave me some speech about how depression worked and then said something about how I was shutting her out and that she was frustrated, yes. I told her I was shocked that she felt that way since I was doing the best that I could but I felt paralyzed and ashamed.
She was the one who said that the only thing that would satisfy me was if she wallowed in my hopelessness with me, but I'm not sure where she got that. I don't think it was true. I did want her to be present with me in my hopelessness, but I didn't think her being hopeless as well would really help. At least I wasn't aware of wanting that.
>> But I'm guessing what you wanted was some empathy and to feel not alone in this. And instead, you felt bad about what you were feeling?Yeah. Basically.
>> There's two things here that concern me. One is the idea that you make her feel anything, let alone like a failure. Her feelings and reactions are her own. They should not be tied to your actions or inactions. Especially whether she is a success or failure. Patients cannot fail therapy, but therapists can fail patients. Or sometimes therapy fails for no real reason.Well, she didn't say that I made her feel like a failure (this time, anyway). That was my own inference. But if my intuition is right, then, yes, I think you're right that that's a problem.
>> And not taking suicidal thoughts seriously? Hmmm, is this how she normally responds to this?Well, I've only rarely mentioned suicidal thoughts but she's never done what, say, Dinah and others' Ts have done (asking if I had a plan and stuff). Maybe it was because she doesn't think I would ever seriously do it (which is true). She has said stuff like, "What could possibly be so bad that being DEAD seems better than tolerating it?" Which I found sort of dismissive and trivializing, although I got her point also.
>> I'm concerned, if you are feeling so bad that these thoughts are creeping in. Do you have someone you can turn to if it gets so bad you feel unsafe? I hope so. Please keep posting, too.Yes, I do. And I will try to keep posting. Please don't worry about me. I'm philosophically opposed to suicide for emotional problems.
>> You are not a downer. You are feeling down. And I'm sure it does suck. I'm sorry you are in that hole. I wish there was something I could do to help pull you out. You're not alone, though. There are others who understand that feeling and are reaching out to you.
This really helps. Thank you.
poster:crushedout
thread:407671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/407734.html