Posted by holymama on October 28, 2004, at 15:45:41
I am a little bit scared of my pdoc. In the last couple of years I have tried three, and have stuck with this one for the last 6 months. She started seeing me when things were really bad (I went into the hospital a few days after my first appointment with her), but basically she has straightened my medications out, and is logical and smart. But the problem is, I don't like her and I get the feeling that she really doesn't like me. She's been really harsh with me in the past, over how much I drink for example, and yes, I deserve that criticism. And it motivated me to stop drinking as much. But it was something about her timing, or the way she critiqued me. It was at a point where I was finally doing and feeling well after being in the hospital, and I was expecting praise for my hard work. Instead, I got a lecture about how much I drink and how I take sleeping pills, and how I need to make a choice. "Do you ever think about getting sober?" She asked (now, I'm a one or two glass of wine a night girl, not quite what I'd consider a person in need of sobering up). O.K. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she's pushing me to go further and doesn't let me get away with anything.
My latest encounter with her was very confusing to me. I had increased my lithium dosage at my last appointment and it was not working for me. I've spent the last few weeks feeling like a dumb zombie. I'd been exhausted, very slow on the uptake, and unable to function well in my busy life of raising three children, going back to grad school and working 20 hours a week. It was a sunday, and I sat down with my husband and discussed this. He said he noticed the same thing about me and was starting to get a little scared in the personality change. I told him I wanted to decrease the dose to where it was last month, and he agreed that I should. We decided that I should just do it that night, and then call my pdoc to discuss the change on tuesday (first day of the week she's in). We talked about whether or not I should tell her I'd already reduced the dose. I decided not to, since I'm a little scared of her reaction, and thought it would be smoother leaving it out. Well, it wasn't smooth. When I told her my symptoms and that I wanted to reduce my lithium dose, she asked first that I take a blood level or lithium. So I was caught. I said " well, I reduced my dosage for the last 2 nights so the test wouldn't come out right if I did a blood test tomorrow". She paused for a long time, and then said "So why am I hearing about this after the fact? Why? I'm trying to figure out why? Wait -- you've done this before haven't you?" (I had not) Now, I'm feeling like an ashamed and guilty teenager just caught by my parents for sneeking out of the house.
I don't want to downplay my role in this. I changed my medication without talking to her first. I guess I lied to her. But In the rest of my life I consider myself to be a VERY honest person, very ethical, working very hard to be good. It bothers me a lot that there is this one person who has mistrusted and disliked me from the start and who is having some kind of power struggle with me over these little details. I feel like I know my body and know when I'm putting poison in it and when I want to stop.
Long story...for anyone still reading...any thoughts? Should I have it all out with this woman at my appointment next week? I feel scared to talk to her, yet she demands honesty. Should I find a new doctor who I can work with better?
~~Thank you for any thoughts anyone might have to help me sort this out before next week!!~
poster:holymama
thread:408461
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/408461.html