Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 19:48:18
That's exactly, but EXACTLY, how I feel today.
The only way I can keep feeling hope is to keep toking up .. does twice a day, one joint a day, make me an addict? Anyone?
PLUS (so I don't get redirected by you-know-who) why am I the person who only always looks at the surface of things? Why can't I just read a book from cover to cover, instead of glancing through and going "I don't understand this anymore) at a certain point and giving up. And I HATE the way I look lately. I spent so much of my life thinking my looks mattered, even though I'm not the prettiest girl, I always tried to Feel pretty, you know... clean, well-presented, makeup hair, stylish, stuff like that. Now I can't seem to get my mojo back, I need to have the headset plugged in listening to croony music full blast and I'm not working because god darn it I don't really WANT to work right now I want to spend days and days and days just analyzing myself and talking to my T who's scared of me or thinks I'm just a silly little nothing idiot and why should it matter that I'm crying so much these days and whenI'm not crying I'm wailing deep down inside where it's just Unreachable, it's unreachable I can't get it but I need to keep trying, why oh WHY do I need to keep trying to grab it and pull it up, it keeps sinking into the goo god D*mn it it keeps being sucked back into the mass the icky black gunk of something I can't get at I just can't get at it I NEED To get it because I WANT a life, a real live d*amn LIFE d*mn it.
poster:Susan47
thread:449382
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/449382.html