Posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 18:15:31
296.32 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent Episode, Moderate
This is what my new T. submitted to my insurance company. We talked a little about the fact he’d need to do this for continued care, but actually never about what precise diagnosis he thought was accurate. I thought I didn’t care, so I didn’t pursue the topic. He even asked a week ago if I wanted to see the form he was sending in and I said no. Now I think maybe that was a dumb move.
I got my copy of the letter Saturday, and seem to have promptly developed symptoms. Could still be a coincidence, but I am wondering about the power of suggestion. I didn’t expect to feel so uneasy and strange. No major meltdown, but a definite unpleasant reaction. Before Saturday, other than mild moments of appropriate sadness about old T., I have been quite well and 95% free of depressive symptoms. Now, well…see below…
A brief history…I first sought help in 2002 for extreme anxiety, awful concentration, disorganization, losing control of tasks at work, school, home, impulsiveness…basically I'd already done the thorough research and knew I had Adult ADD. This was confirmed after a few months of wrangling with T’s, as well as mild depression. After medication and therapy, this has been in remission for nearly a year, with a few bad days sprinkled here and there. The only diagnoses I’ve ever laid eyes on in my records, over 3 ½ years, were ADD, Mood Swings and Adjustment Disorder w/Mixed Anxiety and Depressed Mood. That’s it. Never major depression, so I guess I’m understandably surprised? Or am I overreacting?
Maybe, since in my frame of reference, this is more serious and noted as recurring, it scares me a little. I don’t know why really. I don’t disagree–I fit the criteria. Being honest, this describes exactly what’s happened to me, going back about 11 years. I can count 3 episodes that lasted from a few weeks to a few months. And I noticed a cryptic note in my old military medical records about seeking mental health treatment for “mood disturbance” - in 1979! That would have been just before my first marriage, when I was engaged but separated from my fiancé by military duty at a different base, for maybe 5 months. In hindsight, it makes tons of sense that I needed help: age 19, away from home for the 1st time, engaged but alone, and my mother had just died. Especially when now all therapists (and me) see a clear pattern of extreme reactions to being separated from a loved one for any reason. Sheesh, I don’t even remember the 1979 thing. Weird. Must have resolved quickly.
But, to the point of the post - I’ve been mildly but noticeably depressed for about 2 days now, whereas before I read the letter, I was not having symptoms. They started within 3-4 hours of seeing it, if I think back. Like the power of suggestion or a self-fulfilling prophecy took over? Is that possible? Wonder if deep down I could have internalized something like, “well, if a trained psychologist says it’s so, told others (insurance) it’s so and put it on paper, then it’s so. So act like you’re depressed.” Not to say I feel a sense that I’m acting. Quite the opposite, as I’m actually making a huge effort to ignore (okay, deny) the da*n symptoms. But I’ve been doing well enough for a while, so that I can distinguish these as the feelings I get with “real” depression (as opposed to aftermath of severe insomnia, or monthly hormonal swings, for example) Hard to explain, but this is undoubtedly “actual” depression for me. Cr*p.
I am functioning, but dragging and feeling someone knocked all the wind out of me. No hopelessness, or ideation, or much crying, just an apathetic state where nothing’s worth the effort. It also takes a huge effort to get my face into a smile. Is it okay if this scares me a little? I see my T. tomorrow. Maybe if we talk about it, that could get the symptoms to go away as fast as they arrived? yuk. yuk.
Thanks to anyone who read this far. Sorry I’m such a skittish baby about a piece of paper :-(
PS - Please, to anyone who struggles with depressive illnesses much worse than this, some of you for all your lives, I don’t mean to whine or sound overly dramatic about a diagnosis that many of you have probably been all too familiar with seeing. I admire your courage in fighting back from those dark places over and over again. It’s just not been my experience, and obviously, it’s shaken me up some to read it, then live it out. Yikes.
PPS - I do know it's possible new T. is not totally convinced of this diagnosis, but tweaked things a bit for insurance purposes. I guess I'll ask him about that, too,if I can muster up the energy and recall how to utter a sentence. So tired.
poster:10derHeart
thread:455132
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050206/msgs/455132.html