Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 14:42:00
In reply to (((Susan))), posted by partlycloudy on February 17, 2005, at 14:30:07
Oh thank you thank you for your advice it's good i want to make tira mi su, i love that but i just can't seem to get out. i cleaned my carpets today and i was putting the stuff the machine in the car to go when i was suddenly overwhelmed by tears, then i realized i have to go have a toke to calm down and feel okay, but i don't want to be doing that, the drug makes my thinking even more scattered but it does make me happier so by the time i got up to my apartment I had to crouch down in the stairwell to breathe i was so panicked, i was sobbing i couldn't control myself i was hoping nobody would come and see me like that. then i got in and i was having trouble breathing and i was scared and overwhelmed so i did the only thing i knew would help, i phoned and talked to the answering machine, it gave me like a whole minute or something and i was trying to calm down it just helped to be able to talk to something that wouldn't judge me. Then I phoned my ex- and he helped calm me down some more.
I hate it when this happens to me. It's never happened before last year and I thought it was gone but ... i wish I were a happier person. more in control of things. i think about all the things i have to do that i haven't done and i just lose it, i lost it, i want to be outside playing but i dont' want to go outside. i can't make any decisions, i need that toke and i can't find my papers to roll one which makes me even more panicked. This started years ago, when i was living with Steve my ex-. I just couldn't get it together and it's back, it's back again. I'm not in control when i need to be.
poster:Susan47
thread:459353
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/459382.html