Posted by messadivoce on February 24, 2005, at 16:01:47
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
My dear 10derheart,
Honestly, I don't think anything is wrong with you, except that you are human. I understand the wanting old T when things feel terrible...it's a reminder of that old vulnerable place that you were in before. Only this time, they aren't there to sit with you. It feels unbelieveable empty, I know.
So you are human. And as Lewis Smedes wrote (loosely paraphrased), "Thank God that you are human." When I feel pain I try to remind myself that if my ability to be in pain were taken away, then I wouldn't be able to feel joy over my relationship with my fiance, or gratitude and love towards my former T's. It's such a tradeoff. Of course that doesn't make it *feel* any better in the midst of it, I know.
I know what you mean about triggers...sometimes there isn't anything apparent (although we do have a full moon tonight). :-) Amazing how just a little something can bring back the longing for old T. This morning I found an appt card my desk from T2. An appt that I never had b/c of my sudden termination. But when there is no trigger, I sometimes wonder if these events, these people, are imprinted so deeply on us that sometimes they just surface. I feel as though T1 has left fingerprints on my life, and they will remain forever, even though I saw him for 8 short months. And with that comes the expectation that sometimes I will miss him so terribly that I feel sick and empty. Isn't it the price we pay for loving people, after all?
About friends. This has been a struggle for me too, because there aren't a lot of people who understand how feelings can change so quickly. I've had weekends when people were calling me and leaving messages, and I didn't have it in me to pick up the phone and call them back. Some of them understand. Some don't. Luckily I have 2 who really bear with me, and who I can call and cry to when I need to do that. I hope you have that too. I've found that people are generally understanding...we all have crap to deal with. But those who truly *understand* can be hard to find. Which is why I read Babble.
I know you don't want to call new T, but when you see him again I hope you talk to him about it. I hope you can articulate what you want from him, even if you aren't able to do it here. But I fully acknowledge that he cannot replace old T...he belongs in a new niche in your life.
I hope you take care of yourself. Post more if it helps.
Voce
poster:messadivoce
thread:462668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/462817.html