Posted by pinkeye on May 6, 2005, at 13:42:56
In reply to Re: Pinkeye? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 6, 2005, at 8:57:17
thanks whirlpool. I am realizing more and more now how I must have taken lot more blame and took everything my dad said more serious than I should have taken. I even felt I was the one to be blamed for my father shouting at my mom all the time. And still now, I feel very guilty inside, somehow feel extremely guilty for everything. And I am atleast realizing it more now.. I some how always thought I am not good.. But now I am realzing maybe everyone is like me only.. especially this board also has helped me a lot to see through other people's emotions and minds.
And I was actually very self centered a while back. And I had all wrong ideas about life.. I actually thought it is pretty good to be very selfish, and self centered, and not needing anybody, and not relying on anyone for any help etc. that attitude actually had helped me in my professional career, but I think personally it caused a major wreck. But my ex T was good in that way, he kind of helped me see things in a different perspective. Before that, if anyone said they wanted to help anyone, I would think they are trying to cheat. Actually maybe my dad's philosophy was kind of responsible for that attitude - he used to actively discourage me from helping others in school. I used to be good in studies little bit, so they would always elect me as a class rep etc..or ask me to help other kids with studies.. but he always used to discourage any participation in school or helping other kids...only now I am realing how mistaken about life my dad had been and how I had taken everything he said so seriously.
It is actually pretty phenomenal how much I sacrificed to satisfy my father. When I first came to the US, I was all alone, and I didn't have many colleagues and all of them were men and I didn't have anyone. And I was extremely lonely. and my rheumatoid arthritis (I have a form of arthritis - like intense pain and stiffness in joints) kind of aggravated a lot because of the stress. I wouldn't be able to even get out of bed, or walk to the bathroom, or brush, or comb my hair, or even eat with my hands. I kind of silently took everything, without telling even my best friend at that time about it - because my dad didn't want me to tell anyone about my disease. Now I am realizing how much stupid I have been.. it feels like such a waste of life now. And actually that kind of attitude made me take out everything on my husband when I initially met him. He wanted to go back to my country, and I just couldn't bear the thought of betraying my father.. and I kind of took everything on my husband.
Perhaps that is why, I never had very close friends..maybe because I always felt guilty and unlovable.. maybe that is why I had nightmares about my ex therapist even.. I used to have actual nightmares.. dreamt that he sends me a mail one day saying that he never liked me, that he always hated me, and didn't want me to write anymore to him etc etc.. I think I am beginning to understand a lot of things now.
poster:pinkeye
thread:494198
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/494565.html