Posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 14:32:36
So I am terminating with my current T. I have one session left next week and I perhaps won't be able to see her after that. (She said if I come back to US, I can check in with her whenever I want, or continue therapy with her if I need and I am back here for good, but that is to be known later). For now, I am saying Goodbye.
The problem is, I can't seem to bring myself to say her I like her a LOT. She has been amazing.. And she is really the first person to really understand me so much.. She understand each and every thing I say and think.. And it is so amazing to be finally understood by some one!!. I had given up on me that anyone will be capable of understanding me this much. Even my ex T couldn't understand me so fully. And I really really want to tell her she has been so very helpful to me.. And I want to tell her I am going to miss her a lot..
But because of my burn with the same issue with my ex T - I just can't seem to make myself even come close to her a little bit.. Whenever I try to tell her, I seem to get blocked. I tell myself repeatedly "She is jsut a professional - she doesn't care for your personally.. she won't miss you, she won't like you much, she will forget you, and she won't allow you to contact her, and she doesn't really care for you and wouldn't want to hear from you " etc etc.. And I stop myself.
Even today, she was getting a little emotional in the beginning.. but I remained cold. I went on to discuss my diagnosis and wanted to do closing thing.. And she was being silent and was saying "I am thinking that we are going to have one more session and that is it. She was looking quite emotional".. And Damn ME - I didn't tell her a thing. I told her just "Yeah. I know. And she was being silent for a long time and I was silent also. And then I asked her. "So what is my diagnosis?" and how to close up and I wanted to get my history with her etc..I really wanted to tell her I liked her, and I am going to miss her.. and I tried to get some words out of my mouth. But it just won't come..Everytime I try to tell her, I get frightened.. and what happened with my ex T comes to my mind, and I just can't talk. IT seems very cruel of me to do it to her, especially when she doesn't deserve it at all..And today, I think she has gotten attached to me.. because she was quite emotional in the beginning of the session. And I hate to dismiss it like this.
poster:pinkeye
thread:534818
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/534818.html