Posted by gardenergirl on July 29, 2005, at 0:46:47
Hi everyone,
I just have to post about this, because I have been feeling so good recently. (gasp! even despite having reduced meds!) I feel like I am really "seeing things" without distortions for once. And I'm learning to trust my authentic responses. It feels so empowering and real! :-D I think going twice a week to therapy has made a huge difference.Okay, a couple of events....I visited my dad, my grandma, and his family over a recent weekend. I came away from there thinking, "They (not all, but definitely my dad, uncle, and grandma) are really horrible people!" Now I am overstating this a bit, because they are not all horrible. But I have spent my entire life feeling hurt and thinking that this hurt was either all my imagination, all an over-reaction on my part, somehow deserved because I'm inadequate, etc. I can't tell you how relieving and freeing it felt to be an observer with my family versus being engaged in the junk. I really saw how critical my father and grandmother are to me and lots of other folks. I really noticed just what was so creepy about my uncle. And I realized it's NOT MY IMAGINATION! What a freeing feeling!
Similarly, I had a conflict with my supervisor recently that really left me stewing about it for hours. I did a lot of reflection and sorting out just what I was upset about..kind of like untying all the strings and seeing which one is still attached and being pulled...So I came to the conclusion that I really did feel this way (angry and disrespected) and I really wanted to express this to my supervisor. I "ran it by" my husband, and his validation was also so freeing to me. I cried and told him how much I usually doubt my reactions or blame myself, and his validation was so special and important. Thanks also to Falls and Daisy who listened to me while I was in the midst of the anger and helped me sort it out.
And then today I talked to my supervisor and told him exactly what he did that got me all defensive (basically he formed a judgement without checking things out with me first, and then told me I was "incompetent" in a specific way, based on this judgement). I kept it about my reactions to his behavior, and I was clear and assertive about what I would prefer and what would be more conducive to my learning. And he said.......................................................
"I apologize."
"I am judgemental, I know that."
"I'm so glad you brought this up...you could have just dropped it and stayed mad at me. I'm glad you followed up with me."
"You are right (about the issue we argued over)."Can you see me jumping gleefully doing the "I DID IT!" dance?!!!!???!
It was so so important to me to speak up. My T didn't think it would make a whit of difference to my supervisor and he cautioned me to choose my battles. But I really needed to do this to validate myself. And it was SO GOOD!!!!!
Sorry to gush. I just am so not used to feeling so free. I hope everyone gets a chance to feel this.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:535177
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535177.html