Posted by daisym on July 30, 2005, at 20:39:36
In reply to Re: Wanting a mommy (long) trigger » daisym, posted by frida on July 28, 2005, at 20:06:28
***just wanted to send you my support and let you know I so understand and feel everything you've shared..I know how incredibly painful and hopeless it is :-( ****
I wish you didn't understand so well...
****i could have written every word- I was telling my T that i don't know how to ever heal that part of me that needs to be taken care of...i told her I wished she could back to each moment after I was hurt and hold me the way I wasn't held back then.***
I know there are so many schools of thought on this but I think the work we are doing around revisiting the episodes of trauma is the right one for me. I sometimes go into shock, (I'm not kidding, it is a physical blow) but we work through it and I feel less alone and scared by it. I think I've written about this, he calls it reliving it all with a witness. You aren't alone and someone believes you and you a releasing a lot of fear. It isn't that catharsis is healing in and of itself. It is just part of it.
****I think it is an essential thing, i feel i won't ever 'heal' unless she somehow does that but it also feels sort of like an impossible wish- :-( ****
She can't undo what happened. But she can be with you as you let go of it. She can help you look at it, sort through it and name all the scary effects it has had on you. She can walk you back to the present when it all threatens to overwhelm you. And she is your emotional container, wrapping around you to keep you together as your insides sort of liquify by this process. My therapist gave me that imagine a long time ago and I've held on to it because it is so perfect. It made it less scary to cry, because since he was a container, he could handle the flood. :) And one of the most essential things your therapist can do is reframe some of what happened. My therapist did this for me around a specific event and if nothing else, I'll forever be grateful for that.
****i feel like i want desperately for her to take care of me as a little girl- and i feel the time for that is gone and i can't have that ever and it is incredibly painful..****
No, she can't do that. But she can take care of the little girl part of you that you bring to therapy and make it all OK to want what you want and to acknowledge her fears and her pain. Together you can wade through this tender grief and she can help you mourn for your lost childhood.
****i'm sorry you're experiencing the same--****
Me too. For you too.
****i am at a similar place as you are in my healing journey from csa, and i wanted to reach out and let you know you're not alone with all your feelings--
and that i still have some hope that it is possible to experience that nurturing and safety i ached for all my life...so there must be hope :-) and your T seems to be so wonderful and so "with you".****Not being alone is incredibly important. Thank you. I feel my therapist is with me too, and yours sounds like she is right for you. I've let myself just accept his nurturing right now so I'm in a much more peaceful place. I told him I'll get freaked out over it next week but I'm too tired right now. He laughed. But the reward of being in this space came at the high price of honesty and forcing myself to TELL him these things that feel so childish. Therapy isn't easy, is it?
****sending you lots of support,****
Me too you. I hope you are having a good weekend.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:534630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535830.html