Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Today I went to a meeting. It happened to be in the building where my T works. (You can sense where this is going, can’t you?)
I have been in that building at least 15 times for various meetings since I finished therapy. I have always thought: I might run into him. I might meet him in the corridor. I might get the chance to say hello to him. But I have never seen him there. In fact, tonight was the first time I’ve approached the building without feeling a little nervous at the thought that I might possibly see him – I’d given up all hope because I never do see him there.
As I was driving into the car park, he came out the front door. I knew he couldn’t see into my car. I parked in the nearest space and by the time I got out of my car he was already in his car, which was parked less than ten feet away from mine. I waved to him as I passed his car. I could have gone over to him and said hello, but I didn’t.
And then (here’s the embarrassing bit): having not spoken to him, I stood at the door of the building and waited for him to drive past me, trying to get another look at him in case I’d mistaken someone else for him. At no point did he seem to look at me or recognise me.
And now I want to know: why did I not walk over and knock on the window of his car? Why did I not say hello like a normal person? Why did I not just bloody well speak to him? What the f*ck is wrong with me? I’ve been wanting to lay eyes on this man for nine months. And when I finally do I can’t summon the courage to say hello? I hate myself.
I had to sit through my meeting pretending to concentrate, and the whole drive home I was shrieking at myself. I called myself some words I didn’t know I knew. Even worse, I had to pick up my kids and drive them home and I still couldn’t stop yelling at myself, which the kids thought was hilarious as they joined in: “Mommy’s a poo-head!” The two year-old was particularly delighted.
Well, I really am a poo-head. Nine months I’ve hoped for this. And then as it turns out I’m incapable of behaving like a normal human being.
Guess how drunk I’m gonna be an hour from now?
poster:Tamar
thread:586537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/586537.html