Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:25:06
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
> I went to therapy and I talked about how I wished my fiance were different, and about how distant he is. :-( How can I be critical of him? This doesn't feel good at all, not one bit. How can I hold his limitations against him? We're just not so close. I think that might be OK.
If you can't criticize your finace in therapy, where can you criticize him?
Can you live your life with someone you're not very close to?
Everyone has limitations or flaws. The important thing is whether you can live with them. My husband is always late. Often extremely late. For everything. I can live with that (most of the time). My brother is extremely untidy and never ever does any housework. Apparently his wife can live with that; I couldn't. I need a partner who is prepared to do some laundry and vacuuming. I don't care so much if he's late.
You *are* a nice person. And part of the work of therapy is figuring out what you need in life. If it turns out you decide your finace isn't right for you, it's better to make that decision before you get married than afterwards (IMHO). Because you probably can't change him.
Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes we fall in love with people we can't live with. It doesn't make us bad. Or maybe you *can* live with him but you need a little help getting used to the idea. That's fine too. It would be worse if you said nothing about the problems and allowed the resentment to eat away at you for the next 20 years...
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:586651
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/586661.html