Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 19:28:06
I was all set to cancel T3 by phone, explaining that now doesn't seem like a very opportune time to work on my sexual issues. Both my husband and I have so very much going on right now that neither of us is in much of a mood to work on it.
I decided not to cancel by phone, because I didn't want to be rude. But I wasn't quite sure what to do after I told her I didn't want to pursue sex therapy right now, but could I contact her later when my life settles down if I'm still in the city. I finally decided to use the extra time to get a consultation about my relationship with my therapist.
Well, wonder of wonders, that was the first thing she focused on, without my even saying anything to her about sex therapy first.
She wanted to know what I was working on in therapy right now, and that went into a discussion of my therapy in general, what I've accomplished, how I continue to use therapy, etc. And my extreme ambivilance about my attachment to my therapist, how it's been weakened since he partially abandoned me after Katrina, and how I waver between being glad about that and wanting to maintain the distance so I won't be hurt again and wanting to reconnect. And I told her I didn't know the right thing to do.
She said that if I reconnected in a new way, with less dependence on him, and always keeping in mind that I couldn't really rely on him when push came to shove, I needed to rely on myself, then she thought the relationship could continue to be a valuable one. That I needed to reconnect with the knowledge always that therapy would end. But that if I was trying to move backwards and reconnect the way I have in the past, to crawl back into the womb, then it might be better to take this opportunity to move on.
She understood that now might not be a good time to pursue sex therapy, but she extended the possibility of seeing me occasionally to build up a relationship. Only with my therapist's knowledge and approval, and she'd need to talk to him. But that if he thought it might be a good idea because of his own situation for me to have another relationship with a therapist already started, then she'd be willing to do that.
I'll of course talk to him about this. But... What will I do if he says yes, he thinks that's a good idea. Isn't that the same as announcing an intent to terminate? And once he announces an intent to terminate, I consider therapy over.
So.... I'm glad I went today. I did get a sort of consultation about my therapy relationship. I was pretty honest with her both about myself and about my relationship with my therapist. I hadn't been really honest with her before, I think. And she wasn't disapproving or anything. Really, she seemed sort of nice.
Anyway, it was nice to get an outside perspective.
And since it was what I wanted to do anyway, it's kind of strange that that was her topic du jour. :)
As it stands now, I can call her if I want, but we didn't schedule any future meetings. Which was also what I wanted. To part on good terms with a door open.
But she reminded me that I *did* live through what was essentially an abandonment/termination once and that I could do it again if needed. Even if it means lots of medication.
poster:Dinah
thread:594904
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/594904.html