Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2006, at 22:11:21
In reply to I think I've decided how I feel, posted by Dinah on January 4, 2006, at 19:59:17
I'm just picking up the conversation now after having read this thread and the one above...
(So if I'm way off I'm sorry)
> I know she can't play the same role as my therapist. She's a different sort of therapist, less warm more challenging.
I think I understand what you mean. But then... At this point... I'm not sure that you could have what you had (at some instances in time) with your old therapist... Because... Of the way things turned out there...
> I'm not sure that environment can provide me with the feeling of safety I need to really express myself emotionally.
I think... You are stronger than you think you are. I mean... It will be hard, don't get me wrong. And you might well have to figure out some signal for 'stop with the challenging and just validate me dammit'. But... You might learn how to express your self emotionally and express your needs and preferences in environments which are more... Well... More like the IRL relationships we encounter in our daily lives...
> She said the fact that he *did* leave, that he *did* abandon me, that I was let down when I relied on him was part of my history now, and that I couldn't undo that. That's why things could never go back to what they were, and that's why things *shouldn't* go back to what they were.
Yes.
And... That was bound to happen at some point.
That was why I was so concerned about how attached you were to your therapist.
Because I was worried about how you would cope were something like this to happen...
But it has happened...
And I appreciate that it has been really really really really hard for you...
But...
You are stronger than you think :-)
You are :-)> Hmmm... That sounded wrong. She didn't imply that he did anything bad or wrong in what he did. Just that the situation did lead to my effectively being abandoned.
Yeah... I remember having a similar conversation about my father...
> I think it feels sad and lonely.
> I think I might be angry, too.
> That doesn't seem quite reasonable, though.
Who said emotions had to be reasonable?
I think it is fairly understandable that you feel those things...
Because... I really do think that there was an ideal there. The ideal of someone who would be there... And who had the power... To have you feel okay and connected and safe... But... The danger is having that in response to one person... Is that no person is perfect. And no person can be there all the time. And so let down... Is inevitable. And painful yes. Like when I realised that my father wasn't coming back for me. That he didn't miss me. That he really didn't care about me particularly... (I'm not saying that that is how your therapist feels about you but I think it is similar...)And that hurt me so very much :-(
And... It took me a good 7 years to come to accept that... :-(That he wasn't there...
And I wouldn't feel those things with him around me anymore.
:-(I think... All children get that with one or other or both of their parents at some point...
Part of growing up...
But it can be so very painful...
> I think I'd rather be angry at T3, and I am.
Yes. It is a hard thing to have to face.
> But a bit at T1 as well, I suppose.
Yeah. I'd vaccilate between being a bit mad at my father for having left and feeling sad and alone but not angry - because I understood the urge to get away from my mother (like rationally you understand that it was a stressful time all round)
conflicting needs...
it is hard.
other people aren't supposed to have needs :-(
but of course...
they do
and thats not fair :-((((((Dinah)))))))
I think...
You really don't want to go through that again.
This t...
Sounds like she won't encourage your dependency quite the same...
But...
I really do think... That how you are feeling now... The difficulty you have had in not seeing your old t...
Well...
He fostered that
Because he allowed you to get so dependent
And he allowed you to not work on finding those needs fulfilled by yourself or by other people in your life.I don't think your new t would let that happen...
But it will be harder...
But...
Less hurt in the long run...
And maybe the time has come to work through some of those feelings...
Rather than seeking those feelings...
And indulging them...Which leads to this kind of hurt in the long run...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:595305
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/595352.html