Posted by wishingstar on May 16, 2006, at 12:52:55
Well I saw my T yesterday. I just wanted to share with you all how it went since I was so angry/hurt about her not calling back and all...
I think it went well. She was in her brand new office which was interesting. A new setting actually helped me get out of my typical role that I've taken on with her. So we talked some about how I felt about her not calling, and I told her how I really just didnt want to talk at all. We also discussed some how I dont feel like she's hearing me recently. I didnt "let her have it" like I'd sort of been planning to.. I was just feeling sort of blank and dulled out yesterday and the intensity just wasnt there. But I think she got the message anyway. Towards the end, she made a comment I didnt agree with (and I've told her over and over that I dont agree) and I got really frustrated and almost started crying.. I bit my lip and calmed down, which I think she noticed.. but even that was a big deal for me. The day I cry in therapy will be a big, big day, and I know I'm getting closer. That feels good.
I am still feeling a little scared to trust her, but overall I'm feeling much better. I really said what I needed to say. If she doesnt get it now, then I think I can honestly say it isnt my fault - I said all I can say.
One thing did hit me after the session. She was talking about how she doesnt feel like it's right for her to teach me to swim by pushing me into the water (referring to being emotional and not wanting to force me). Rather, she said, she'll sit by the edge of the pool with me and put in her big toe with me, or put our legs in the water when I'm ready, and sit with me until I'm ready to get all the way in. At the time, I was just feeling frustrated because most of me wants to just be pushed in, and I didnt feel like she was hearing that.. but it struck me later.. that IS caring. It's just not the way I was looking for it. In a sense, she's taking care of me and protecting me, just like I want her to... just not in the way I had expected to find it. It's not what I'm used to, but it's probably the best thing for me. The best way to care. My family and others have always either ignored me completely or "pushed me in" and let me fight my way back to shore. But she's going to wait with me until I'm ready. I cant believe this didnt hit me until now. It suddenly feels a little easier to wait an entire week to see her again than it usually does, because I know she's there and supporting me. I hope this feeling lasts.
Sometimes when I leave a session feeling really good like this, I set myself up for disappointment the next week. I do it over and over. I hope this isnt one of those times... because right now, I'm feeling good.
poster:wishingstar
thread:644756
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060505/msgs/644756.html