Posted by milly on May 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
Saw pdoc on Weds and just couldn't hold onto rational thought, kept thinking that if i 'got' sh*tface i would be a hero, people would wave flags, nothing would happen to me, i would be invincible.
Then i'd flip back into knowing that wasn't quite right but that if i did it then it was my destiny to be the 'price' to 'get' him and i was bad so therefore expendable and world would be rid of both of us.
Also having had 'out of control' moments quite alot recently i was very scared that rational or irrational thought was irrelevant because gut reaction might take over anyway.Well pdoc team meeting decided to break confidentiality and inform the police then Fri I hear they have been warned about the danger but they cannot exclude me from attending even though they had the Chaplain try to persusde me not to go, but he's a good mate and told me how scared school was that i was going to expose them and how very scared sh*tface was thinking he was in danger.
I got extra sedation, had to promise that I would stay with the Chaplain at all times, took daughters Ipod to listen to so I wouldn't hear his name during the speeches, then held onto my little rabbit (who had been to therapy with me each week) and 'sent' myself to T's office. rearranged the books in my mind, checked the plant then crawled onto his lap and felt safe.
There were a couple of 'hairy 'moments when some of the 'persecutors' got too close but i just closed my eyes and hid in the chaplains robes!!
Mostly it was just loads of collugues who I hadn't seen in ages squeeling with delight at me having the guts to turn up. Sh*tface can't have helped but notice the fuss that was being made of me or the exclamations of how much 'b*lls' i'd got.He accidentally got within 10feet of me at one stage (the police said that if he approached me and I lost it they would take it as provocation) but I eyeballed him, felt VERY powerful, remembered i had babble to return to and when he saw the intent look on my face he scuttled away like the cockroach that he is. He was so SCARED.
I'm so glad I did it (and lived to see another day of freedom) Thanks sooooo much for all your help
milly
poster:milly
thread:646845
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/646845.html