Posted by Karolina on May 25, 2006, at 23:18:54
I had an appointment yesterday with him and it went well for the most part. I was kind of dressed up because I was planning to meet a friend for lunch afterwards, although usually I come to appointments very casual. We covered a lot of issues except once again his ‘nervousness’ was distracting me…he would shift around in his chair, crossing one leg, then the other, taking his pen out of his pocket and clicking it, looking down at my feet, etc…I felt like there was some sort of tension. I had on this kind of tight, light pink shirt, but I didn’t realize that my shirt was kind of sheer.
I looked later and I could see the outline of my bra, as well as my cleavage showing. Well during the session I saw him glance down once, directly at my chest as he was talking, then immediately looked up at me, I guess to see if I had seen him look. He continued talking as if he hadn’t looked, but his whole behavior was just bizarre the entire time. I tried to ignore it all, but after he has said all this stuff about me being attractive and knows I’m attracted to him, it just feels confusing. But for all I know he could have been giving compliments only to make me feel better, since I have severe body image problems and the bulimia.
But the very week before he had acted completely laid back, almost like he was about to fall asleep. I’ve been worrying lately that he doesn’t care about me anymore. I’ve been wanting to bring it up but I kind of don’t even want to get back into it. When he heard that I had to come back home from my internship because I started bingeing and purging again, as well as experimenting with drugs and alcohol, it was like he got extremely frustrated. He said he felt like he could no longer help me, that maybe I should see somebody else. That if we had been seeing each other for such a long amount of time and I still was going back to old behaviors, that I needed to see somebody else. Well easier said than done…certain things he’s said and done have caused me to be VERY attached to him and I have trouble trusting others, so starting all the way over with somebody new terrified me.
Finally after some persuasion, he’s agreed to keep seeing me. I could see his point of view and feelings in regard to me not getting enough help (he said he wasn’t an eating disorder specialist, and he was wanting to refer me to one), but it also hurt me so much that he was going to give up on me like that. even though we’ve moved on from that, I still feel hurt and worry constantly that he is only treating me because I’ve talked him into it, but that really he’s annoyed and sick of me. He doesn’t say the same kind of nice or caring things to me like he used to. I’m wondering if I should risk bringing up the past and let him know how I still feel, even though just yesterday he told me to keep coming to see him.
He has helped me so much so I want to try to work through some of this but I’m very frustrated. I don’t ‘get’ him sometimes…
poster:Karolina
thread:648671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/648671.html