Posted by mair on January 23, 2007, at 21:39:03
Do you know how tall your T is?
I've been seeing mine for years, and I always had this general sense that she was only slightly shorter than me. I'm almost 5'9", and I had her pegged at about 5'7 1/2." We're rarely standing right next to each other. I usually sort of skulk into her office and immediately sit down. The only time I'm standing face to face with her is when I get up to leave and we're still not right next to each other.
This summer, it started to dawn on me that she really was shorter than I thought she was. Then I realized that I was seeing her differently because she had lost a fair amount of weight.
As some of you know, she now has breast cancer. She started chemo a few weeks ago and is sort of on an every other week work schedule. There was nothing very different about her after her first chemo, but when I walked in the other day, after her 2nd chemo session, she had lost nearly all of her hair, and what there was left, was a different color. She's always had a lot of hair - not necessarily really long, but very thick.
Now she's starting to look tons smaller, and I realize that my sense of her before was a total misperception. I'm guessing now that she's not much more than 5'4", if even that.
I had such a hard time avoiding distraction during the last session. I felt that it was my job to stay focused on my issues, and that this is what she needed me to do, but she looked so shockingly different and it was hard to look at her and think about anything other than how awful this whole experience is for her.
Since last seeing her, I've been dreading the next session. I was supposed to see her today, but she left a message on my voice mail at work telling me that she had a very bad sore throat and couldn't work today. She sounded pretty miserable. I know it's really bad for her to be sick because it means that her doctor will postpone chemo, thereby drawing the whole process out for that much longer. So not only did she sound miserable because she was sick, but I'm sure she's upset about even getting sick. For me, on the other hand, it was almost a relief to have my session cancelled.
If I was seeing her daily, it would be easier to get used to the changes. But now that I'm seeing her sporadically, her appearance comes as a shock. And it's not just having her hair fall out. It's also her pallor and the fact that she's lost even more weight. She's always been very upbeat and vibrant. The upbeat, vibrant part is harder to see now.
I'm also wondering about the height misperception. Is it possible that as she seems smaller, she diminishes for me in other ways? I'd hate to think that I would react that way, but there has been a definite shift in our relationship. I can't and don't rely on her in quite the same way since I'm seeing her less frequently, and when I think about her, I only think about how awful her life is now, and what she can't do and the ways in which she can't be there for others. And I'm ashamed to say that I find myself feeling irked when she doesn't seem to understand what I'm saying or if the response I get from her is really not what I want.
This is harder than I ever even thought it would be.
mair
poster:mair
thread:725771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/725771.html