Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 19:41:49
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger*, posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 19:23:19
Thank you widget. I really appreciate your caring and wanting to understand. Sometimes people just think I'm crazy when they dont get it...
big possible trigger here....
I'll try my best to explain to you why I do it.. but I'm not sure I totally know myself. It's only a sporadic thing for me these days, but I guess it's just a release when things get so wound up, so intense, that I just feel like I'm going to explode. And sometimes that can be an intense, intense depression, so when I say explode I dont always mean an anxiety reaction or anything like that. But it's like a feeling that if I dont do something, I just cant go on, and thats the only thing I have left in that moment. It helps focus me. It's like my world is spinning out of control and then when I cut, it all stops.
I called a few minutes ago and left a voicemail on my therapists machine telling her I'd cut. She tells me its okay to call and tell her if theres something I need her to know that I'm afraid I'll have trouble saying in session, so thats why I did it. I dont want to say "if i cant see you, I'll cut" because that feels manipulative to me, but I will be honest with her about my fears. She has done a lot in the past to accommodate me (seeing me on days she isnt seeing clients, etc) and this one is all my fault, so if she cant reschedule, she cant reschedule. I'll survive. Cutting, to me, just isnt the end of the world. I guess I should take it more seriously, but it feels "okay" in some way right now.
I'm glad that you are supporting your daughter in all of this. It's hard and having supportive family can make a huge difference. That's something I've definitely never had. Thank you for caring, about her and about me.
poster:wishingstar
thread:730752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730932.html