Posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:12:36
My last T appt.
Its a little vague. I said bout evil how it kinda stays with you and never completely goes away.
Then we saying how I not feel like a leper anymore, but there's still some residual leperness lingering.
Then I dunno, but.....can't really remember, but she were asking WHAT it is inside me thats bad to me, and I tried to acess the kid, but I couldn't, and it was getting hard, I was blanking some, and I said 'I don't know', and she said "I don't know or I don't want to say?", but I DON'T KNOW. and I think she said, 'if you did know, would you tell me?' and I said 'I don't know'. Cuz if I don't know, how can I know if I would tell her? And I kinda was getting real crazy in my head so I bolted to bathroom and I was stomping around, cuz when I try to acess 'stuff', theres paerts of me that get VERY angry. So then I chilled and I had to go back to get my stuff. So I sat down. I thot I was calm appearing? Then she said, do I want to go to my safe place in my head,she talks me thru it, but I didn't, I just wanted to go.
So I left and rocked with LOUD music in my ears to drown out the noise in my head. Btwn songs, I can tell if its quieter, and after a bit it was. So I got on my bike and rode, but it was clear I wasn't safe yet(wanted to veer into traffic-impusively), so I stopped a bit again. Then I chased some rabbits and enjoyed nature and had good ride home. Had nap. Woke up in black mood, but went outside and felt good again. Then T PHONED?????????? she never does that. Left voicemail for me to chill by. Then she phone AGAIN later???? So I called back to say I was fine. And I was fine. So WHY?????????????????? does T think I NOT fine???????????? Why did she call???????? Did I miss something? I was calm. Am I defective emotionally? So many care bout their Moms. I don't give a sh*t bout my Mom really. I care, but I am disconnected from her. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm defective emotionally?
Does my T think I LIED to her??????That I don't remember? I NOT ALLOWED to remember even if I could. Its too dangerous anyways. And I don't want to. Well sorta I wish I could stop the haunting, but I just not allowed.
So we forgot to set appt and there was another thing I was supposed to call her about. So I called today(aapt was Tues), got machine, said maybe I'll call back later.(secretly hoping she would call ME back......). But she DIDN'T. I guess I not surprized, cuz she usu makes me ASK. But now part of me is kinda pissed off, cuz it wants to be pissed at SOMEone. I'm getting more and more confused and its getting hard to think. I feel like all is cool mostly, but then sometimes I don't. And part of me wants to self destruct. And part of me doesn't. And part of me wants to RUN RUN RUN away from T. Part of me wants her to nurture me(and part of me says F*CK THAT to nuture).
Damn, damn , damn.
I dunno what to do.
I never faxed T either which I usu do after a session.
Maybe she thinks I lie to her, maybe she wants me to go away, maybe she just busy, maybe she just being tough for my own good.
I tired of crazy me.
Sorry this is long.
I just dunno what to do.
No escape. Home w/kids. All day I got kids tomorrow. Then weekend.
No escape. Got to be responsible.
I love my kids SO much.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:757668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757668.html