Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2007, at 12:18:05
Often and often I feel that talking with my therapist is like searching for the right key to fit a lock. I can say things a dozen times or a hundred times, and he just doesn't understand. Then I say what sounds to me like exactly the same thing, but I change a few words that apparently open the lock. I can almost hear the mechanism clicking.
Telling him I had ordered the Ungame opened the lock I've been working on for so long. I told him my concerns that we needed a gimmick, and that that might mean that we had taken therapy as far as it could go. He responded by saying it wasn't something he was really enthusiastic about, but since I seemed to want it he was willing to go along with it. Then he suggested that I might be trying to use the game as a distraction to real work that needed to be done.
I told him what I've been telling him for months. That I've been *trying* to work on issues, but that every time I do, it seems like I end up repeating what I'd already said, or he would smile and say "I know", and for whatever reason it felt like it was been there, done that.
I said that I knew he was reluctant to push me, and was careful in what he said to me, and that I even understood why.
It was like finding the right key for the lock. Everything clicked.
He said that therapy could be about changing the things in my life, not just understanding them. And I said I was more than willing to work on that.
I mentioned that I'd really like to work on social skills training, but that it seemed impractical in that I wasn't anxious with him, and because my main problems came with groups of people and conversational rhythms.
So we ended up talking about sex, much like I did with T3, the sex therapist. Only it was so much better because he wasn't judgmental. He didn't tell me that I needed to "grow up", like T3 did. He actually gave me some hope that things could get better. Because he understands me so well, he didn't insist on things that wouldn't be helpful. And he was very encouraging, making me feel like I was capable of having a satisfying sexual relationship with a person, at least a person who was willing to be flexible and open.
And even though parts of the conversation were terribly embarassing - particularly because I know him so well, and I kept using euphemisms, while he seemed to be trying to challenge the euphemisms by using more direct and less clinical slang, we also laughed a whole lot which helped a lot.
It was all so... right. So therapeutic. And in the past, my experience with him is that when the key finally turns the lock, he remembers and adjusts accordingly.
Maybe things will be ok, and maybe the game will have done its job even if I never open it.
poster:Dinah
thread:769361
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070628/msgs/769361.html