Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
Just posted cuz I got noone to tell.
I can't seem to get anything done.
I'm stuck in treacle.
Hard to move, think, care.
I don't think I will ever KNOW why I am the way I am.
And while I am glad of this on some levels, it is also very hard. Cuz who am I?
Most have a history of growing up and stuff and maybe who they are. I have a big black blank.
Sometimes I can remember bits, or I think I do. Nothing much. Just small flashes of memory, so brief I dunno what they even are. Or sometimes my siblings will talk of stuff and I vaguely remember. But then I get fearful. And there's no reason why????
My T/ex T is away. Soon I go away on trip in a trailer.
I supposed to be getting ready.
I miss T bad, but I dunno if I should go back, cuz I dunno that she takes command enuf...she leaves it to me and I am lost so much of the time, so we seem to not get very far. And sometimes we would start on something, but by next week it'd be gone out of our heads. So its lost.
I can't easily find another T. They are too expensive for psychologists. I haven't got the energy. My old T is familiar to me, and kind. But she away alot too it seems. Or mebbe thats just me. But she not there if I need her. One time she said 'i'm there for you', but she's NOT. Is she here now? No.OFTEN she is not. Even when she here, its only Tues-Fri, then she is dead to me. I am ALONE. What good is she? She is NOT 'there' for me. I can't let her in cuz she is not. Mebbe THATS the prob. Noone is, or mebbe they are but I am incapable of letting go. I am to be forever haunted, hunted, by ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Did I mention having an L tattooed on my forehead? I trust noone, fear everything.
I dunno what to do.
I wanna drink and thats REAL bad.
I just gonna keep forcing my way ahead I guess.
Sucks.
Sucks.
Sucks.
I am SUCH an idiot, why can't I just suck it up and move on?
Sometimes I hate myself for who I am.
I have it made.
Cept unfortunately our berry crop was first burned by a heat wave, then its continuously rained for many days....its getting hard to pick cuz of rot. I dread going out there. So thats ALOT of $$$ lost for us this year. AND we taking this trip, so thats gonna proly cost us a few grand....
Our roof desprately needs to be done. Several leaks, which I have patched, but it just gets worse.
I have many bills unpaid, cuz I don't open mail.
Income tax for YEARS not done.
Claims for money comming to us that I haven't filed, so we not get it, this is proly thousands of dollars going out the door.
God I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO idiotic.
F*CK this.
I want OUT.
But there is NO way out.
No escape externally, and no escape from the cesspool that is my mind.
I feel like I will never be free.
And its ALL my own fault and noone elses.
I am my own worst enemy and nightmare.
The ONLY reason I am here is cuz of my kids.
Sorry to anyone who actually read this crap.
M
poster:muffled
thread:770878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770878.html