Posted by slugdoo on July 22, 2007, at 14:44:57
I just got back from shoping and working out and I am soooo mad! I am really mad, really really pissed at my parents.
I frickin had potential growing up and it was wasted and I made choices that I know would have been different if I came from a loving home.
They took it away from me, and now I am trying to regain it back. But it is much harder now. Did I say I was mad? I am so pissed!
I tried growing up thinking all that bad stuff didn't happen to me. I am not damaged goods, I am a good person is what I would tell myself growing up and I am not going to let this sh*t win. But my brother was a different story, he didn't have that inner voice, he believes he is bad. I think that strong innervoice kept me alive and keep me from suffering as much with the mental stuff.
But the thing is, it DID effect me in a lot of cases as much as I would like to think it didn't . But now looking back on my life and the choices I made and were forced to make, yeah, it messed me up . Maybe not as bad as my brother though. BUt I have to admit it DID effect me damn it! I hate it!I wished I believed in Karma because then my mom would feel what I have felt from her. My T would say something like , well she is paying for her actions because she doesn't have me in her life and her grandkids. That made me feel good at the time. BUt you know what? That might be true if she was a normal person. She HAD me and look what she did with me. I doubt she really is suffering of not having me in her life. She didn't want me when she had me. So now she is walking around Florida like a queen and I am have to "pay" for her mistakes. Not fair. It sucks. I am so f*cking mad right now!
I am trying to make up for my lost childhood of opertunities and I am having trouble because the past IS bleeding into my present and it hurts so bad that I can't just pretend it didnt' happen. I just want to be who I have the potential to be, why does it have to be so hard? Some people are so very luckey not to have to overcome this "handicap" .
I am so mad at my parents! They never loved me or wanted me! I was nothing to them. How can that not effect who I am today? It just pisses me off that I have to deal with this, financially, emotionally, and physically. It just sucks, it really does.Thanks for listening if you got this far. I just need to get the badness out of myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I truely was a bad child for this to have happened to me. I know intellectially I wasn't bad, but I was treated like I was really bad. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......
poster:slugdoo
thread:771150
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771150.html