Posted by slugdoo on July 25, 2007, at 20:08:13
One of the first things he asked me when the session really started, was how I was doing this week. It wasn't causal like it can sometimes be. He really wanted to know. I said it was tough, and he said he thought it might have been. He really looked like he felt bad. He said more than once that it was a "oversight" of his that he didn't see that the stage anxiety would have a lot to do with my past. I told him I didn't think it would either, but he seemed like he felt kinda bad because he was leaving the next day to go out of the country on vacation where he wasn't able to be reached even by phone if I needed him like last time.
During that EMDR session , it was like it blew his mind of my reaction too, and he said he should have known. Then my next session he said the same kind of thing twice that it was his oversight. I really don't blame him at all, I didn't know anything would happen either.
But the thing is, this is my revelation, is that I believe the reason he was "shocked" was because he truely felt I WAS okay and was ready for termination. I have tried to tell him several times before that yes, I am doing all these accomplishments, and yes my life has improved, but I am not okay. I did come a long way since my first EMDR, so I guess it would be easy to believe that. He would challenge that, and just thought it was due poor self esteem. OR that I had a higher standard of being "ok" now. I even tried to be "okay" thinking he was right maybe, and I was wrong. But I am a great actress and I can appear to be fine too, I had to do that my whole life so I could be okay.
But I think when he did EMDR, it was like right in his face. I cried in therapy, and i have never done that before, and it was because of the memories. That probably threw him too of seeing me cry, because I never had, maybe teary eyed. But not sobbing covering my face with my hands unable to talk to him. I think he thought this was going to be a "fun or easy" session with me before his vacation, and it unexpectedly turned to a very intense session.
Then yesterday (geeze was it ONLY yesterday?), when I told him I needed him to listen (and he was). When I said something about wanting to believe him when he said I was okay, (he looked really weird, like now he "understands" what I have been saying all along.
I told him also that I kinda feel bad about burdening him with my "sh*t" now because I like him and don't want to do that. I told him I know he has the training on how to deal with it, but I just felt bad. He later pointed out how that thinking was off, it was like going to a surgeon for heart surgury and feeling bad because he would see all your blood or something. But I than told him, I KNOW it is irrational, but it is how I FEEL anyways. Then he backed off. I do admit he is "listening" to me more intently now and he is watching me more careful. Maybe HE needed a wakeup call. (something he always says pretaining to ME) lol I noticed this when I was discribing some of the memories and he waited until I was done saying what I wanted to, before he gave his comments. I guess he really was listening to me when I told him I needed him to listen. LOL
So I guess it kinda got to me that he felt "he should have known" and he truely felt bad about that. I don't blame him at all. I think he really thought I was doing well.
poster:slugdoo
thread:771974
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771974.html