Posted by widget on August 28, 2007, at 10:10:45
Yesterday, I went to my usual Monday therapy. It turned out to be surprisingly difficult and sad for me. My therapist is encouraging me to widden my circle of friends. I agree; good idea. Hard idea. For some reason, it brought me back to my strong, positive feelings toward him. I shared those feelings ("you know, I adore you") to which he said, "That's sweet (SWEET?) of you to say but I cannot respond in any way due to boundary rules." I was put off by his rather cold delivery (was he angry? better to tell me) and felt like he was a policeman reading me my Miranda rights. He was very stiff and unapproachable. He then said I was using projective identification by seeing in him the qualities that are good in me. I thought about this and agreed. However, I responded that what was wrong with appreciating admittedly good qualities in him which I also share? Makes all the sense in the world to me and explains why he is to appealing to me. He continued that he would hope I could learn to love those qualities in myself. Ok.
I feel like he wants me to make a major leap from where I am and where he wants me to be. It is as if I never rode a bike before and he wants me to enter a bike marathon; good for my confidence, etc. Isn't he supposed to meet me where I am and go from there? I don't object to his goals but I need smaller steps, "baby steps" as what he seems to expect sounds daunting. I can't even relate to what he suggests except intellectually, so I revert to clinging to him. He's always seemed safe and accepting. Too much at once.
I feel I am failing here. He said he would be my mirror and reflect me back to myself. He said he only wants me to be the real me. Well, this is the real me. This is where I am. Is this a double message? Maybe he is tired of me. Anyway, I was amazed at how this affected me later. I couldn't sleep last night; too much anger. Feels better to write about it. Thanks.
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poster:widget
thread:779285
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/779285.html