Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 15, 2007, at 19:47:05
I feel unstable. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do or how to do nothing.
T says that one thing that he's noticed is that I tend to give myself a hard time because i have some idea or ideal of what to be. That being a certain person involves the whole package- having a certain occupation, a certain lifestyle etc. That I shouldn't strive to be what I'm not, who I'm not and embrace who I am.
Who AM I?
I'm not what I do. That much is clear. I work in a coffee shop and write on psychobabble and knit and write scholarly articles. That would make me a crazy knitting caffeinated author. Not exactly my image of myself.
I'm not what I ought to do. That much is clear. When I tried to steer myself into a career trajectory for which I had been trained, the psychic revulsion was tangible and threatening.
I'm not what I want to do. What if my dreams never come true. Will I cease to be? doubtful.
Maybe I am the 2nd derivative- change itself. rather than being a line, I will embrace the sense of being some parabola or accelerating body. Change over time is my only definition. Doubt that T meant to frame my existence in terms of calculus, but there you have it.
looks like I'm not the only one hitting the xanax tonight.
I just ate a chicken. Therefore I am.
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:783105
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/783105.html