Posted by FindingMyDesire on July 27, 2008, at 19:58:28
In reply to Wanting to connect about desire and transference, posted by FindingMyDesire on July 19, 2008, at 2:28:59
Whoa! Well, just following up. The last two therapy sessions have been incredible and intense. That first Tuesday after I posted I thought was a disaster. I went in totally "overstimulated" (her word). I could hardly finish a sentence. Looking back on it I was just excited and freaked out at the same time - not knowing what I wanted to share or what was OK to share. I was worrying a lot about her too - not wanting to put her in a bind.
Anyway, what *was* different is that despite the fact that I thought it had gone badly (and therefore I had done something wrong) I did not fall into a pit of despair as I normally would. I stayed in my connection to myself.
However, I still decided yesterday not to bring up how I felt about the last session and just totally avoid the topic, erasing me. Good plan I thought. *grin* Of course that would have been dumb and my conviction didn't last long - about 20 minutes. HA!HA!
We started talking about what had happened on Tuesday and I basically asked for some reassurance and she gave it to me. She really lets me do most of the talking in general - very concerned with letting me control the flow from topic to topic. But sometimes I need to hear from her and she realized that. She said the most amazing things to me - just seeing me and really getting what I'm going through right now. And not being freaked out. And reassuring me that she will worry about her and take care of herself and that she gets that whatever dreams or fantasies I have about finding my desire are really about me - even if she is in them. She was just great. I feel so relieved.
So now I feel like maybe I *could* share my full story with her. (I have now perfected an 11 page fantasy where I face my shame in front of her.) I shared it with a couple of friends who understand therapy and they said it really says so much about me and my internal voice and conflict around desire. And that it would be valuable to work through it with her.
So, maybe. At some point.
Thanks to everyone for your encouraging posts on this subject. And thanks for clarifying, backseatdriver - I totally get what you meant now!
:-)
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:840685
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/842459.html