Posted by onceupon on July 31, 2008, at 17:15:07
Hi everyone - intermittent lurker, past poster here. I haven't posted in years though, and can't remember my old posting name. Looks like the community has changed a bit since I've last been here.
Anyways, I'm hoping to get some feedback on my recent experiences. For at least the past year (and probably longer), I've felt distinctly disengaged from most everything and everyone around me. Not necessarily dissociated, as I've experienced that in the past too, but kind of like I'm operating on two planes. On one level, I'm interacting with other people, keeping up my end of the conversation, etc., but on another, I'm blank. There's no "there" there - as I read somewhere else. Sometimes, underneath the superficial chatter, I'm vaguely thinking about other things, but not really clearly enough to make any sense of the thoughts. Just chatter.
Not sure if I'm describing this well, but I'm wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar. It's frustrating, and is connected with ongoing thoughts about suicide - more like images of suicide - because it feels like if this is "as good as it gets," why bother? That sounds kind of flippant, which is not my intent. It's more that I can't imagine living in this fog for the rest of my life.
I don't know exactly what brought this about. I've been depressed off and on in the past, and recently started back on an antidepressant after several years off because I was waking up every day thinking I CANNOT do this anymore. And so on. I have a year and a half old son who is probably the only thing keeping me going at this point, and I figure that in part, this is long-term sleep deprivation talking, but I think it's also related to feeling inadequate and somewhat lost as a parent.
Why am I posting this on this board? I've been in therapy for the past year too. I've seen a bunch of other therapists in the past too, but it had been awhile. I like this one for the most part, but I feel like I'm not making much progress. I know that this is more my thing than the therapist's. Like I said, I'm not engaged in much of anything right now, including therapy. Most of the time when I'm there, I can't formulate my thoughts very well and don't know what to say. I'd like to address my relationship with my therapist, because I think I've got a huge maternal transference run amok at the moment, but when I've approached the topic in the past (albeit peripherally), she hasn't really taken the bait, so to speak.
Gah, I think this entire post is a snapshot of what's going on for me right now. Difficulties formulating my thoughts, connecting to my emotions, sharing them with other people. If anyone has read this far, thanks, and has anyone been through this and come out the other side? Am I as crazy as I feel sometimes?
Thanks for reading - hope I can offer support to others as well.
poster:onceupon
thread:843312
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843312.html