Posted by lucie lu on September 15, 2008, at 23:22:01
I had a session today that seemed pretty routine. Among other topics, I told him about a rather trivial incident recently with my DH involving sex. We talked about it in our usual terms, framing it about about the relationship etc. Pretty relaxed, close session. After I got back to work, I suddenly realized that that simple discussion was the tip of the iceberg. There was a TON of negative stuff tied up with sex, all these years of little degrading stuff, that I had not let myself think about, all these little things I felt such guilt and shame about - so much so that I never even considered telling him. I realized now the background behind some of my more isolated, extreme reactions over the years that neither he nor I had understood, because I insisted there was nothing there really so that's what we finally concluded. I thought I was just being a typical "hysteric" (a silly psychological label, sort of like an astrological sign, like I'm a scorpio.) I realized why I need to "psych" myself up to have sex, have the fantasies that I do, and sometimes it's just too damn much trouble to talk myself into a mental place where I can have sex, even though I think of myself as a sexual person. (And with whom would that be?) I realize there was so much there, that I'd never have a healthy sex life with all that stuff inside me. Maybe I wouldn't anyway - I'd hardly be the first woman to arrive at that conclusion. But as it is, I can barely look my T in the eye when we talk about sex. I should have known there was something up because I'm not normally a person who cannot "even say the words." I'm pretty forthright and accepting - about other people's sexualities no matter what they are - but apparently mine is another story entirely. Such hypocrisy.
The thing is, as close as we are, I really can't see myself telling my T these things. I can't imagine shaping the words, I can't imagine not feeling "like I asked for it." I don't think I can tell anyone. Maybe it's harder to tell him because I do feel so close to him and I'm afraid of what he will think. He would be all comforting and supportive and therapist-y but I would be convinced that deep down he would feel differently about me in a bad way. This is just another part of what I don't like about myself and I just don't know that I can "confess" past things that I find too difficult and humiliating to acknowledge even to myself. It's just there. When do you consider things that are "just there" as problems and when do you just suck it up as part of your past and live with it? I cannnot believe that after all these years, this stuff has just been sitting in the background, always there, unseen because it is so taken for granted, part of the fabric of my psyche, like those little habits and foibles we wouldn't dream of sharing with anyone because there would be no point and it would just be too damn embarrassing and just make you feel worse about yourself. Do such open people and relationships really exist, where they are completely open to each other and can do this? I really don't know how to deal with all this. I have to think before the next session, which is soon. I know what my advice would be to someone else but can't imagine taking it myself. Maybe I'm making a big deal of nothing and most women feel this way about sex, deep down. But somehow I doubt it. Why would I hear about other people's experiences that sound so different than mine? Are they all lying?
Sorry for the long post.
poster:lucie lu
thread:852215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852215.html