Posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 7:37:06
In reply to ...Continued, posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
I am afraid of my own anger. I'm afraid of experiencing it, of naming it, of writing it down, of letting it out, of it unleashing itself, of what it will do once it erupts, of its destructive capability (now that I see what it's doing to myself - my god! what can it do to someone else?!), it's really, really frightening.
That's my aha! moment out of writing this here and reading what you have to say. I went to take a look at the Byron Katie website to see if there were any insights there I could apply, and as I was wandering around there, it started to crystallize for me. The reason that my gripe lists feel so inept is because they feel like they have No End. I could go on forever, listing my grudges, and that makes me feel like a horrible person - or as a person who has been denying that I have been carrying these grudges around like little lumps of coal in my soul for months, years, and decades, depending on the person I'm considering.
It seems like an awful lot to reconcile right now. But I think I have a grasp that it's not enough to question the thought about one person or another - it's that I'm upset at myself for having these thoughts in the first place. It's wrong of me to be angry? I should not be angry? (But I am.)
There's something going on in my heart at this realization. There is something going on in my back at this too - stuff is in the midst of shifting. This is a biggie.
I don't think I could do this without babble, could not get through this process without these boards. Wow.
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:852129
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852248.html