Posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2008, at 21:21:59
In reply to Sorry for being gone, posted by wishingstar on September 16, 2008, at 20:20:46
Thanks everyone for being so understanding and supportive. I really need that right now and I appreciate it.
I forget if I said this in my above post but my T had a death in her family and had to unexpectedly leave town and cancel my session for this past Wed. She hopes to be back Monday and scheduled an appt for me that day but it's really quite up in the air.
I called the couples T my boyfriend and I saw a few weeks ago, and also emailed my "old T" from 2 hours away... explained to both that current T is gone for an emergency and I desperately need to talk to someone.. both refused. Old T said in email that she feels like she's being triangulated (understandable, although I dont think its accurate right now) and wants me to talk to current T before seeing her again, even once. If I could talk to current T, I'd never have emailed her! I'm just DESPERATE for someone to talk to right now. Anyone. Even a T I havent met, if theyd see me for a session, I dont care. I'd PREFER my current T or my old T, but at this point, anyone is better than nothing. I cant see any of the other Ts at my current Ts office, even once, because I work in the field and refer my own clients to them for counseling sometimes and they are professional colleagues to me. I dont want them knowing my personal stuff.
My boyfriend has always been my major support outside therapy and due to the issues we're having I cannot lean on him at all right now. When i try, he immediately launches into how he feels worthless etc etc and I end up having to comfort him. I have talked to him about this but it keeps happening. And now every T I have any contact with is unavailable or unwilling to see me.
I havent felt this way in a long time. I had bad nausea all night last night (it woke me up) and I've had a sharp stomach ache all day today. Stress related. I dont usually get physical symptoms either. I feel like I'm losing touch with my ability to feel things, which is a very old coping mechanism for me that I havent really fell into for several years now. Once I learned to talk and cope and use healthier things, I stopped really being able to "turn it off" and feel "nothing"... and now I'm struggling at that line of "nothingness" trying not to fall over. It's not dissociation... it's just shoving everything down. But it's bubbling up and it feels REALLY bad. I feel like screaming and kicking and throwing a major fit, and crying, and hiding, and hurting myself, and throwing things.. you name it. I just feel like the two options are step into this "nothingness" or totally lose control and I dont feel like the choice is totally mine anymore... I've lost the ability to control it completely. I think just an hour to talk to someone would help so much.. I need a release.. but I cant get it. I've been journaling and keeping busy and trying to use all the good coping mechanisms I know. I've been fairly productive at work even. But I'm just at the end of my rope... I'm so overwhelmed with feelings and every outlet I had is gone right now. The things I was upset about a week or 2 ago dont even feel that strong right now... theyre there, but the pain of them has disappeared and been replaced by this overwhelming feeling of "out of control" and "desperate", fighting the "nothingness" I mentioned. This isnt "depressed" exactly, although it sort of is. Depressed I can deal with... I know what that is.. but this is different. I'm lost. I really couldnt give many "feeling words" for this.
A few of you I think asked me what it is I need right now. I dont think it's anything anyone here can provide. I need to sit down in front of someone, be able to talk, without having to comfort them. I need to feel vulnerable for a few minutes. I appreciate everyone saying to keep posting and I will try to, but it's hard to conjure up words for anything right now. As you see, when I do, it's long and rambly and probably doesnt make much sense anyway.
Thank you all for being so understanding. Tomorrow I'll go to work and continue to play the competent, intelligent, together "game", no emotion involved, as I do every day. My job depends on me putting on that face.
poster:wishingstar
thread:852372
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852800.html