Posted by antigua3 on January 17, 2009, at 15:22:36
I just wrote a long post on this and lost it!! How frustrating. It was so eloquent, too!
Right.I realized by the post above that if the mere mention of FMS sends me into such a rage then it was worth taking a closer look at it to find out why it triggers me so much.
I've already said that I think the disservice that the concept of FMS has done to people who are suffering from repressed or total lack of memories far outweighs its benefits. For me, it makes me jump right to denial, that I made it all up. And the denial--one of my stronger defenses--has impeded, and really hurt, my therapy at times. Funny enough, I was brought up believing for many reasons that "truth" was sacrosanct, so the fear that I may be lying is one of the worst sins I could commit, given my family circumstances. Now I just think how ironic that is, and how I managed to twist family values to hurt myself even further.
I believe that memories can be fully repressed, both in our minds and bodies. Sometimes the memory may be there all along, but we aren't aware of it. For me, I didn't know that an early memory of my father that I always have had was inappropriate until it was pointed out to me by my T and then I consciously realized it was wrong for this to have happened. After that, more memories became clearer, and slowly, bits and pieces, and flashbacks, came forth that were impossible to deny.
Once I got into this, I was driven to remember. I always felt there was "something" more for me to know, and if I just figured out what that something was, I would be "cured." I tried everything to recover memories--EMDR and hypnosis, to name two modalities--and it just didn't work. I can't force the memories to come forth; my T and pdoc have both convinced me that they may never come forth, or will only do so when my mind and body are ready to accept them. I'm OK with that now. I still know "something" else is there because of the fragments I remember surrounding it, but I may never know, or it could be something completely different from what I imagine.
In the beginning with my pdoc, he would want outside "corroboration" of my memories, which made me furious, thinking that he didn't believe me. There is no outside corroboration of what my father did because I was the only one there, but there are things surrounding the events that are suspicious or not quite right and I've been able to "prove" that these things are true. I'm very well aware, however, that doesn't mean that just because A is true, B is true.
With these thoughts in mind, I do believe that our minds naturally want to "complete" our memories, to make sense of the unknowable, and I, at least, have filled in gaps with info that may not be in fact true. But what i've learned that is important is the bits and pieces of what I do remember, and I struggle less with trying to complete the memory.
My T and pdoc have both taught me that it's the fragments that are important, and yes, we can string fragments together in a way that they may not go together (as in thinking X, Y and Z all happened in one night when they may, in fact have occurred at separate times), but that's OK, and probably more right.
So when I hear about FMS being used to discredit someone, I get furious, partly because it makes me question whether what I've remembered is true or not. Even sitting here typing this, given what FMS advocates, I can believe that I made it all up.
But I didn't. At my essence, I know what's true and what may not be because of my desire to "complete" the memory. It's a horrible thought to think that I may believe things that aren't true, so I just try to hold on to what I do know to be true.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:874544
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/874544.html