Posted by antigua3 on April 29, 2009, at 19:38:27
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel this way. I can only say that I understand how you feel.
I, too, am a writer and compare myself to the success of my very successful writer friends and I always come up lacking. I go through phases where I avoid writing for this very reason, despite how self-defeating I know this is.
I am tired of fighting with my husband over the lack of my ability to get a job and contribute so that we can keep up with our crumbling house, a son in college and another child getting ready to go.
I'm tired of the meds go round, but mostly I'm tired of the pain like you are. Something keeps me going, I'm not sure what it is, but I can envision what you do, but I hold on tight to something inside. It's faith, I think. Faith that things will change for the better. I have to believe that.
And I isolate myself from my friends because how could I possibly explain this to them, and why would they even understand?
Isolating is not good for me; I know that, but that's my defense mechanism. I just broke an important appt today with people working to help me realize one of my dreams because I simply couldn't handle dealing with them.
Sorry to make this about me. I just wanted to say, You're not alone. You really aren't, and I know how difficult this can be.
I'm really sorry about the no kid part. That must be very hard for you if it's something you really want.
I was struck in your post that you believe that you picture yourself dead at the age one of your parents died. Sometimes people who have experienced such a loss have a really hard time until they get to that age and realize they're still alive. So is there something about this death that is still gripping you? I may be all wrong, so excuse me if I am.
Everything you describe sounds like severe depression. And you have every right to feel that way, but you need help, which I assume you're getting.
You said in an earlier post that you're a giver. So find somewhere, something to give to that will make you feel better.
And write. Don't judge yoursef against others. Easier said than done, I know, but often when we can see behind others success in this realm, it's not what it's all cracked up to be. At least that's been my experience. You know that you are the only one holding yourself back (like me) and I've recently spent a lot of therapy time trying to figure out what it is that I'm so afraid of. I know that it stems from childhood experiences and I have a great deal of fear of both success and failure.
Sometimes I find that forcing myself to sit down and write just a sentence gets me going. Of course, making myself do that can be agonizing, but I usually find that the results are very rewarding.
If the weather is good, get outside for part of the day. I walk. I've also found that if I set myself a strict routine every morning, I can get through that groggy period.
You have friends here. People understand how you're feeling. And if you post, you're writing.
I don't know what else to say. Your post struck so close to home, but I have this sign in my office that says "never, never, never give up." It's my saving grace and I look at it often when I'm trying to write or trying to generate the energy it takes to get through every day.
So, talk to someone, get your meds adjusted and try to get outside of yourself. Just being outside reminds me of the beauty of nature and sometimes that is enough for me.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:893471
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/893493.html