Posted by yellowbird01 on June 17, 2009, at 20:12:02
In reply to all these diagnoses?, posted by twinleaf on June 16, 2009, at 22:20:47
I've tried to make the point that diagnoses can be hurtful, but I feel like she just looks at my argument as another thing that is irrational. I've tried to argue that the mental health community has a big stigma against BPD, and she strongly disagreed with me. I'm sorry, but I work in the field myself, and she's dead wrong if she really believes there's not a big stigma against BPD.
I dont deny that I have problems. I dont deny that a few years ago, I probably did qualify for BPD. However, I've grown a huge amount in the past few years. If I do something that has a borderline (aspergers, etc) quality to it, and she wants to discuss why my thought/behavior/etc isnt healthy.. fine. Great. That's what I want from therapy. I've never argued that everything I do is perfectly healthy! If I thought that, I wouldnt be in therapy. I can be unstable, isolate myself, overly sensitive, and a whole host of other things sometimes. But I absolutely disagree that I'm any of those things so regularly and intensely that it qualifies for a serious diagnosis like a personality disorder. I used to be, yes, but I've grown. And thus far, she hasnt been able to explain to me WHY it is that I'm so much worse off than I think I am. It seems like she is making everything pathological... even things that are very much how ANY normal person might react or feel. Why is it that my aversion to being labeled is somehow pathological and needs to be "worked on"? Cant it just be an acceptable response? I dont even so much care what she thinks in her head, but I'm paying her, and it's my therapy... and I need this particular thing to be respected. I dont know why she insists on all the label dropping. I really dont.
I know what she'll say next week. She'll say that she didnt say or even suggest that I have aspergers, she only asked how it would feel if she suggested I did. To me, the difference is minor. She'll act like I've lost my mind for being hurt. She'll argue that this is all transference. Sure, maybe some of it is, but she wont allow the idea that even a small piece of it is anything real or justified.
Thank you for the compliments twinleaf. Being able to perceive and understand other's feelings, and the ability to behave appropriately no matter how badly I feel, is one thing I really value in myself. It's one of the few things I feel fairly sure I'm good at. I work in a job where my entire job is to speak to people about very personal topics and guage their needs, their stability, whether or not theyre being honest with me... if I truly has a dx like aspergers, could I really succeed at this job? Maybe, but I dont think so.
My T has said before that we can get through anything. I want to believe that, but this feels like a brick wall, and I dont think it's healthy for me. I just dont know. I used to know very strongly that I was a "special client" to her. She told me we had a special connection, and we did. Now, since I started with her again in Jan, not only do I not feel special to her, I dont feel much of any caring or connection at all. What happened? It feels like the boundaries have been drawn up so tight that I cant even reach her anymore. Every time I start to trust her, and open up, within a few weeks whatever I got really honest about comes back to bite me or gets twisted into something I didnt mean at all. At that point, convincing her otherwise is next to impossible.
I havent heard back from my old T yet, but I'm hoping shell call soon and be willing to see me to discuss this and decide if/how I should continue. My current T has helped me in so many ways over many years. I cant imagine just throwing her away for nothing. But this is really affecting me, and not in a good way.
poster:yellowbird01
thread:901367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/901608.html