Posted by Daisym on April 16, 2011, at 12:49:57
In reply to Agony, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 16, 2011, at 12:29:24
Can you undo your choice? Perhaps the agony is a large voice telling your it is time to upend things in such a way that you can completely start over. I think you want desperately to build your life - not just hang on to the deep but limited love you feel with your therapist. One of the great things that can come from a deep theraputic relationship is to want this kind of connection in your life in a larger way - and sometimes the only way to get it is to give it up in one area and go after it in another.
There are other possibilities for continued contact - phone, internet, etc. It doesn't have to be as cut and dried as it sounds.
Or maybe it does - are there rules about this?
And if it is a "done deal" then I encourage you to take a deep breath and accept this choice. Walk it through your whole body - your toes have to accept it, your stomach does and your throat does. Make a list of all the things that will be great about staying put - where is the best pizza or coffee or ice cream? What does spring look like where you are now?
It would take effort to move. Can you find something local to put effort into? Volunteer at a senior center or soup kitchen. At first it won't feel comfortable. But you will get an unbelievable amount of love back.
And I think love can fill up the empty spaces. I try to find at least one thing to look forward to each day - sometimes they are so small and stupid - new socks, folded laundry - my cat's purr. But when I focus on feeling grateful, I don't feel so sad and alone.
I think you need to also think about taking suicide off the table as a possible solution. I've been where you are - pills laid out on the counter. It is so seductive - to have it all over with - all the pain gone, the struggles done, no more decisions, no more bad dreams. And yet something has held you (and me) here past other bad moments. Is it hope, fear, stupidity? I don't know. But I know for me, I'm working hard to radically just shut that door - it isn't a choice, it can't be. I'm not saying it is easy and there are times when I still find myself drifting into those thoughts. But since I've made them "off limits" to myself, it is easier to shut it off and go find something else to focus on. It took a lot of tears to get to this place but truly, the "should I or shouldn't I?" was exhausting. Just a suggestion as a way to get through.
I don't know you. But if I was your mom, I'd vote to radically change your life. It isn't working for you now. Location change brings new possibilities. And if it is too late, you can still radically change things. Do something you'd never do before. Imagine a whole chain of events to follow. Because you can't think your way out of this kind of quick-sand. You have to physically move your body and DO something different.
Ice cream also helps.
Best to you.
poster:Daisym
thread:983016
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/983017.html