Posted by pegasus on September 30, 2011, at 9:29:18
I just did a really childish and stupid thing with my T. The background is that I've had a couple of bad sessions recently, due to being in an anxious, self-critical place. When that's going on, I find myself hating anything I can think of to say in therapy, so I don't say much. I feel very vulnerable, and become wary of anything he says, too. Which is too bad, because when I don't talk, he talks a lot. I take everything he says negatively, on purpose. Like I'm trying to pick a fight. I suspect that I'm really unpleasant to do therapy with in this state.
So, then I usually email him a few days later, and dump a summary of what's going on inside me on him. It puts him in a tricky place, because anything he says in reply is fraught with peril. So, he generally replies very briefly, but "supportively". Which also feels bad.
So, this happened again this week. In my email, I told him all of the things I want him to say, and then forbid him to say any of them, or anything else one might reasonably say in response. Then I canceled for next week. Sheesh, what's wrong with me?
He wrote a very careful email back, telling me that he's listening, and he thinks I should come in next week, even if I feel like I don't want to. I replied "No thanks, see you on the 11th".
I think I'm about 14 years old in this interaction. Where did this belligerent 14 year old come from?
I realize that I'm shutting him out. So, exactly why am I in therapy, if I'm going to do this? He can't help me if I won't let him say anything, and then won't even come in for sessions when things are hard.
On the other hand, I have to do some difficult, triggery things next week for work. I don't think it's going to be a good week for me. If I have another one of these icky sessions, it will not help. So, I'm not *only* being a belligerent teenager. I'm also being a reasonable adult, making a rational decision to protect myself.
blah, blah, blah. thanks for reading if you made it this far. how do I get out of this?
- Peg
poster:pegasus
thread:998348
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110823/msgs/998348.html