Posted by Anna Laura on July 13, 2001, at 4:41:21
In reply to It's really bad when you can't even fit in, posted by AKC on July 12, 2001, at 17:31:21
> I was really excited a few weeks ago when I found you all. But like so many places in my life, I feel like I am just on the edge. It is funny - I am doing better emotionally, but I have had a wave of sadness come over me that is really, really strong - it's the aloneness thing. Somedays I just want to be alone, but other days it just about kills me. It's about time for my group therapy, so I won't be alone this evening - plus I am seeing an old friend. But this board is driving me nuts - I want to belong - but I sure don't seem to be fitting in. It's like AA and Alanon - so many folks are long time friends - I am just on the edge - a hangeron person. You hold back, knowing you can't try too hard - that will drive more away than draw them towards you - there is some fine line to walk that I never can seem to see.
AKC, i don't perceive you like being disconnected from me or some other people on this board. I feel like you're deeply partecipating in this forum instead. May be you got this feeling because depression makes you feel disconnected from your emotions/feelings. But that doesn't imply your emotion/involvement it's not there: it's just much harder for you perceive it. The other people might feel that even if you don't.
I 'm having an hard time myself because of the very same problem you seem to have.
I'm always complaining about not being emotionally involved enough with my actual fianceé; he says he actually feels i love him, even if i'm "feeling" disconnected from him, from friends and any other people. A friend of mine told me the other day: "you're so intense !". i was amazed i couldn't feel that way while the other people did. "How did i manage to touch the other people hearts?" - I wondered. Don't really know the answer. I'm feeling disconnected and my friends notice my emotions while i fail to distinguish them.
Strange thing is that i used to be much more connected/involved when i was sicker, (see my previous post on love and depresssion).
As long as depression symptoms subsided, my anhedonia/disconnection grew worse.
I can't say i'm depressed right now, but i feel like uncapable of feelings emotions as i used to. It's like there's a thick, transparent layer between me and the world outside, it's like not being here, watching the world form a glass window. I think this what anhedonia is about.
Sometimes i think i feel something but my emotions/sensations are blunted....still, i can feel again if i get shocked or scared: i just need a strong emotion to shake me off enough to feel something (but the emotions are'n strong as they used to be, i'm always kind of numb anyway). I feel lonely too at times, especially when the thick veil that separetes me from the world falls down.
O.K., what i'm about to tell might sound very silly, but i think it indicates the way i feel.(and perhaps you guys on the board can understand that, AKC included).
Well, I've two kittens now, they're just two months old and i feel guilty as a mother can be because i believe i don't love them enough.
The other night i was watching tv; my fianceé told me all of a sudden:" the kittens are vanished"; I answered "i don't give a damn about them, let me watch tv: go ahead and look for them if you want to, i'm staying here". He went looking for them.
He came back after five minutes saying: they're gone, can't find them!! In that moment i realized i left a window open (we're on the fourth floor of a building apartment). I started to feel desperate, i was scared they had died falling from the open window. As minutes went by i felt more and more desperate. Then, all of a sudden i heard a tiny little noise, it was a "meow "coming from above: the kittens had jumped up in to the small loom besides the kitchen and were too scared to jump back down because it was way too high for them.
In that very moment the veil fell down and i realized i loved them (still a blunted feeling, but it made me realize i was not so uncaring as i thought).
poster:Anna Laura
thread:7347
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010706/msgs/7368.html