Posted by shelliR on September 16, 2001, at 12:13:38
In reply to this friend o mine, posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 2:35:19
Hi Sar,
I've been there, and now make conscious attempts as Nikki did, not to make friends (different from acting friendly) in the hospital.
I don't think desperate need, either yours or another's is grounds for a friendship. That being said, you have already made the mistake, and now have to move on to damage control.. Do you want this person is your life at all now? (Be honest with yourself.) Because the not taking calls from him at work seems like a very clear boundary, but do you want him to continue calling you at home? Aside from "helping him" do you get anything positive out of the relationship?
If the answer is yes, then continue to take calls from him *when* it is convenient to you. And practice saying, "I'm overwhelmingly busy right now; can't talk", or "I'm feeling very fragile, myself right now; can't talk", and say," take care" and hang up. And tell him under no circumstances is he to call you at work; that it threatens your job, and in no circumstances do you want to talk about suicide, that threatens your stability. If you want this person out of your life, then you can try constantly not having the time to talk to him and maybe he'll get it and disappear.. If not, you'll probably have to do the "speech", leaving him with as much pride as possible. " You are a very talented, interesting guy, but I didn't realize how much your depression would overwhelm me. Perhaps you could find a support group" or " I need to explore the positive parts of life, have a new boyfriend and work friends, and think I feel more comfortable having friends around the same age as me. But I think you have a lot going for you and I wish you the best in conquering your depression." or whatever. . If you want this guy out, I think it is better to definitively do it, and get it over with. Remember this guy was depressed before he met you; if you cut him out of your life, it may sting, but you will not be the cause of his depression. Maybe this is where the sar bitch comes in. It is really not bitchy though, you will both end up angry and hurt if a relationship continues that is not resiprocol. Better to stop it now, if it is heading in that direction, anyway.
BTW, what I am suggesting is not easy, but will save you a lot of unnecessary turmoil. Life is precious; you learned something, now you have to move on.
Shelli (a been there, done that, consultant :-) )
poster:shelliR
thread:11424
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11436.html