Posted by Chloe on December 7, 2001, at 18:47:25
I feel like I have "used up" my pdoc and therapist and my b/f. I always have the same complaints and worries. And no one, including me can come up with a decent stagedy.
I have been having so much trouble with side effects from meds, that I am barely taking anything anymore. Hence, I am either in a rage, suicidally depressed and desperate, anxious and irritable, or kinda managing. But I am switching ALL the time, one day is never the same as the next.I have had major depression since age 11. But I have acquired many things like BP2, BPD, mood dyregulation. Stuff like that. I am 36 now, and I haven't been hosptalized for over 10 years, but things just can't seem to get on an even keel and I just don't know what to do anymore.
Any med that is remotely helpful gives me intolerable side effects. So I have to go off them. Since the spring I have had trials of Trileptal, Topamax, Lamictal, and the most recent lithium (which was very effective) and I had to come off all off them. These MS cause terrible skin/hair problems for me and I just can't stand it more than a month or two.
My b/f says that who gives a hoot if your scalp hurts, you need the li to stay sane. But I give! My hair hurts so much that is all I think about and then I have no quality of life either. I can't sleep with a painful scalp either! So I just can't swallow the lithium.
The AP's are miracle meds for me, but I can't take them because I already have minor persistant TD. But maybe TD is better than what I am living now.
So it seems the mood stablizers and the AP's are out. And I am in so much pain I can't cope or get through the day without some blow up or catatonic depression. My pdoc just says, use more diazapam! That is like trying to put out a forrest fire with a squirt gun, IMO. And I am not too keen on just popping benzos...But that's another thread.
What the hell am I going to do? I have to work tomorrow at a local retail shop. Lately I have been crying between customers. Then when the door opens, I wildly wipe my face, put on a huge smile and try to communicate, make change and breathe until they leave, and I can cry and panic again...
How can I stop the pain if I have no good meds and I have exhausted my caregivers? I am wondering, how long can I hang on like this? And what are my options???
Thanks for listening
C
poster:Chloe
thread:15198
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011207/msgs/15198.html