Posted by IsoM on June 30, 2002, at 14:59:37
In reply to clarity...hah! what a crock, posted by Alii on June 30, 2002, at 8:15:49
I think I understand, Alii. I really think I do. I'm too darn cheerful to be around right now, but it's not hard for me to remember dragging on & on in the dregs of life. Nothing mattered then. Food didn't taste good, no matter what it was. I had no energy or desire to do anything. Anything I truly loved & enjoyed felt completely flat. Nothing struck me as even slightly humourous. I knew I loved my sons & my cats but I didn't feel anything for them. I didn't hurt for them when they were hurt & that's so unlike me.
I just quietly groaned in my spirit but to no one in reality. I felt like a broken record of despair. And even though mine didn't go on as long as yours, it felt eternal, endless. I saw nothing better or different would ever happen. I just dragged on through life, counting each day, sometimes each hour, off.
No one & nothing could've encouraged me then. Thankfully, I slept lots. I just wanted the days to drift by in a sleepy stupor. I wanted so bad to be put to sleep & if anything ever changed, then someone could wake me. Not actively planning suicide but wishing I didn't exist ever. That way, no one else would be hurt by me being gone.
Moan & groan on. It was my way of silently screaming in agony. Let it be yours if nothing else helps.
poster:IsoM
thread:25900
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020629/msgs/25917.html