Posted by Roo on September 9, 2002, at 11:51:39
In reply to Re: Dinah... » Roo, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2002, at 10:21:53
Hmmm...what's your email address?
I'm curious what your contingency plan is for going back
on ssri's...I've related to BPD symptoms too...but I try not to go there
b/c they make things sound so hopeless for BPD people and the
descriptions aint exactly flattering....plus the labeling thing kind
of bothers me....I mean we are human beings and souls too and it's real
easy for me to lose sight of that and I can get carried away with
labeling myself and pathologizing myself to death....When I used to be perfectly okay with being on SSRI's (years ago I was
fine with it)...I just thought to myself: I have weird brain chemistry, and
if all I have to do is take this pill to correct it, I"m fine with that...yes,
I could do all the therapy in the world....but you know what...I don't want to
work that hard. That was my decision then....that I didn't want to have to work
that damn hard just to feel somewhat normal. Now, after years of being on
ssri's, and really struggling with the sacrifices...particularly sex, which I love
DEARLY and has always been the one thing about me that worked great despite all my
emotional stuff............but anyway, also the emotional blunting...feeling a little
vegetative....that bothers me too now, whereas before it was so damn novel b/c I was used
to living life so OVER sensitized that it was a welcome relief. Now I seem to be
in a different spot....I think I _am_ willing to work really hard to deal with my
feelings...I think...I say this with trepidation b/c I"m afraid I'm going to fail, that I won't
be able to hack it......and there must be a balance...yes, I'm willing to work hard, but
I don't think I'm willing for my mental health to be something I think about and worry about
and analyze 24-7....that's what I liked about the drugs...I didn't have to _think_ about
this stuff so much, I just got on with my life. Do you know what I mean? Has it settled down
with you some? Do you think about your moods constantly? Are you in your head constantly? Were
you at first and then it calmed down some? I did have moments at the beach this weekend where I
was just present in the moment...floating in the ocean...having conversations with friends that were
somethign other than analyzing emotions....so I think I'm capable...I don't even know if I'm making sense Dinah....
I really don't want for my whole life to be engaged with some
internal struggle inside my head....I want to be present and experience
joy and just a feeling of not being so internal ALL THE TIME.
If I can't seem to get past that without drugs...I guess I'll go back on...(maybe
that's my contigency plan)....I think I've identified my number one priority as being able to give and
receive love (on all sorts of levels..not just romantic...but being there for
a freind, being able to feel a friends love for me, being able to love my career and
feeling myself giving something, and to be able to feel that career interaction giving
back to me)...if the disease gets to where I'm so engaged in negative internal dialogue
and I'm incapable of that....I think I might have to take drugs....no orgasm in the world
is worth that...(although I say that with a pang in my heart :-) ).
I'm seeing a therapist once a week. It helps a lot with my perspective.
And it's less "talk therapy" than it is actively working to develop skills
to handle distorted/negative thoughts...
You know, and that's the thing about the drugs..they really do buffer
those thoughts...I still have them on drugs, but they don't effect me as
much, for instance, I'll think "I'm a loser" , but instead of latching
onto that thought and letting it cause me incredible pain, my mind will
just sort of be like "yeah, whatever" and move on.
It does make me wonder about a point that some antidrug people have made
which is drugs don't handle the root problem. And it's hard to be motivated
to fix the root problem if it doesn't hurt really bad. If know that maybe
the pain serves some sort of purpose...to help motivate me to work through
some root issue...then I'd be more likely to withstand the pain. But sometimes
I also think the pain of depression is just in vain--it's just useless pain that's caused
from a bunch of misfiring neurotransmitters.I've forgotten what my point is...just rambling, I guess.
I'm not sure how long to give the process...
poster:Roo
thread:30042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020908/msgs/30045.html