Posted by misslalou on March 16, 2003, at 2:12:56
In reply to Re: Just Venting, posted by paxvox on March 15, 2003, at 18:58:42
> Well...........OK. What is your DX? What meds are you on? Do you have a job? How many children? How old are they. Life is not fair, nobody ever said it was. As a matter of fact, nature is incredibly cruel truth be known. People exist who don't want to live. People die who want to live. It's a riddle without an answer, I'm sorry. You. Now let's take a look. You have been through the sh*t, no questions there, yet here you are. Is there some cosmic reason for that? (I think so, but that is a religious issue that I will not address here). You. Do you WANT to be well? Sounds stupid, doesn't it. However, it's a very deep question that goes well beyond the obvious. Do you WANT to be well? Some of us get so used to the crap we lay in that we are afraid to change. Sure, something might help us if we tried it, but that would mean change, which leaves us vulnerable. So, we become comfortable in our crap. Do you like it? Is it a choice? Have you tried to get out of it? Is the risk worth it? Do you want to be well? Get up out of your crap, wash yourself off, and find the healing. It's there, don't say you've tried everything. You cannot control what life throws your way. You have been hit with a lot of it. You can, however, control how you choose to deal with what comes at you. Get up, clean yourself off and find that healing force. WANT it, make it so.
>
> PAXI have BPD, PTSD and chronic major depression. I am currently taking 400mg of Topamax as a mood stabilizer, 80mg Strattera for depression, 200mg of Seroquel for sleep, 400mg of Trazodone for sleep and 1mg of Ativan as need for anxiety. I am on permanent disability and have been on it for 2 years now and I work 40 hours a month. My therapist will not allow me to work any more then this. He says it will be at least a few more years before we can even start to look at me returning to a part time job, but it’s doubtful that I’ll ever be able to go back into my former field. I use to run a company and worked 65 hour weeks and was on call 24/7. I have a son who just turned 16 and a daughter who will be 14 this May. They are both well behaved and neither of them has become involved in the wrong crowds or bad thing so far thankfully. As for your question, do I want to get well? Yes that is a very deep and complex question. At this very moment I’d have to say most of me doesn’t. Obviously there is a part of me that still does or I’d be dead. I wouldn’t still be keeping in close communication with my personal therapist and going to my group therapy every week. Generally yes I do want to get well. If I hadn’t then three years ago when I had a complete break down I wouldn’t have made a phone call for help, I’d have killed myself. I have made great strides in my healing over the last three years. I use to cut many many times a day, now I can go months without cutting. I go to a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group every week and have been for 2 ½ years now. I will continue to go to this group as long as I need to learn and reinforce the skills and coping techniques that are taught in this group. Three years ago it was my therapists who were throwing me in the hospital nearly every 3 weeks because I was so out of control and suicidal. Now I know when I’ve reached the edge and I can’t contract for safety. I can go to my therapist on my own and say I need to go into the hospital and I go in very rarely now. So what has me at this low point. Things have just stacked up on me very quickly and I’m having a hard time coping with it all. I don’t want to feel the pain or accept the pain of my mother’s death and I received news this week that two people I love dearly are at deaths door. This also happens to be the month that my father and my favorite grandfather died. They died 20 days apart in the same year. It’s also my birthday in two weeks, my first one without my mother and my twin brother is in jail so I will truly be alone for it this year. I’m tired of getting news of loved ones dying or being dead. I’m tired of hurting being someone has just died. I miss my mother, I miss my father, hell I miss my family and would give anything to see them all again. I’m just tired right now. I’m scared to answer my phone because I know it may be a call that one of these loved ones is dead. I’m tired of everyone dying. I miss them all and I just want to be with them right now. I’ve really rambled on here. I’ve probably made no sense at all either sorry.
poster:misslalou
thread:209301
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030308/msgs/209615.html