Posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 19:55:39
In reply to Re: Lost my desire to return the rope, posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 14:22:25
This world is not real to me...I'm not sure it ever was. When I go outside, everything is so foreign...people are simply objects. My future is an abstraction. I can hardly remember the past.
I cannot relate to people...even here, where so many are accepted, I am not. No one wants to respond to me anymore. People think I'm playing games. I cannot explain my behaviour. I don't know who I am.
I am an Atheist...I believe death is just like not being born yet...it is nothingness. I cannot integrate myself into society. I've wasted my family's money. I'm only kidding myself if I think I'm going to be a researcher one day. I'm simply not smart enough. I'm incapable of even the simplest things...phoning people scares me. Ordering food at a restaurant scares me. And now...on top of everything, I have a BPD. I'm unloveable, stigmatized by all helping proffessionals. I know no one cares about me here...this is only a web site. I know my pdoc doesn't care about me either...I'm just a patient.
I've caused my family, esp. my Mom much suffering. She works so hard to provide me and my sister with a decent chance at life. Life has been very difficult for her...she doesn't even speak English. I can't even provide for her. My sister is the future, she is doing very well... Money is wasted on me right now.
No one needs me except for my hamster. He will die soon. From what I've read my method of choice is not all that painful. Don't worry people, I won't act just yet. My sister is coming home for a few days.
Sorry for being a downer, hope this has been an interesting read at least
poster:Shy_Girl
thread:494526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050503/msgs/495003.html