Posted by verne on April 19, 2006, at 21:00:50
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by verne on April 18, 2006, at 10:19:07
Since this thread is dead, I'll just use it for my diary without fear of anyone seeing it.
I feel like there's hope again. Saw my MD this morning, my weight was up 10lbs, blood pressure higher than ever, and I finally told him how it really be. I finally revealed the constant torment I'm living in.
I came away with a prescription for klonopin and a higher dose of inderal LA (120mgs) for the high blood pressure. I just hope 120 isn't too much and I'm able to function. I know the klonopin will finally give me relief for the anxiety though. When I used to take benzos I was actually more outgoing and able to function better around people. And I went years without drinking.
I should be happy but I feel guilty and anxious. My doctor had a pained look on his face and I felt like a disobedient child. I was wrong for being depressed. Wrong for not going out of the house for 5 months. Wrong for gaining weight. Wrong for having crippling anxiety.
Usually I try to *please* him and put the best face on my life, telling him what he wants to hear. Instead, this morning, I actually prayed before he walked into the examing room. Something like, "Please lord, give me the strength to not put on my usual act to please the doctor." I also asked for the strength to let go, to surrender, and not *expect* anything or try to manipulate the outcome of the doctor's visit.
So I just let it all hang out, not caring how the doc took it. I was prepared to leave the office with nothing and he prescribed klonopin of all things! He did insist I make an appointment to see a pdoc which is a bit of a hassle. But he assured me he would continue to treat me with inderal and klonopin. He wasn't willing to try emsam but I suppose I could give cymbalta another whirl down the road.
Cymbalta is better than any other AD I've tried but I came to realize it always led to drinking. I was on and off the stuff, dealing with multiple side effects, but I couldn't go 2 weeks without drinking. Cymbalta somehow heats the body and it somehow always reached a critical mass after a few weeks that resulted in dangerous levels of drinking. I discovered I could drink 18 beers in one evening and still look for more whereas I used to get smashed after about 9.
I see the doctor again in two weeks. I want to make an effort to lose some weight and get in better shape by then. This will involve getting out of my comfort zone. I may even go to church. Not for *religious* reasons but just to overcome my fear of being around people. If God zaps me, all the better.
Verne
poster:verne
thread:633276
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060413/msgs/634978.html