Posted by SandyWeb on October 2, 2006, at 19:47:12
In reply to Re: Not One Day Goes By.......... » SandyWeb, posted by gardenergirl on October 2, 2006, at 17:36:12
My son moved out 6 months ago to live with his girlfriend. My daughter attends "boarding school", so I only see her for a weekend every couple of months.
I am alone in a 2-bedroom apartment, and I can't even find the strength to sit out on my private balcony.
Even with Ativan and my little cocktail of meds, I can't get out of the apartment. I can't see a therapist. I have trapped myself within my own four walls.
My day consists of geting up (sometimes), and going back and forth between the computer and reading a book. Day after day after day.......this is my life.
It is purposeless, it is a waste, and it will not be changing simply because I've come to the end of options. THIS IS IT. And to me, this life is intolerable. I can't even answer the phone, for goodness sakes.
I miss my daughter so much that I wrap myself up in a comforter and just cry and cry and cry.
I cried for my son when he first left, but he's just about ready to turn 18 now...and we still see each other. He's a good boy.
I have thought a lot about "you know what". I am so sad because I had a very eventful past, but now my empty present is also what my future will be. And if I died, right here and now, no one would even know......until they started smelling me. I'm just saying that my usefulness is over. I can't even leave my apartment. I have no worth.
It doesn't matter. I'm just rambling. I'm lonely, I'm heartbroken, I'm ashamed for being so worthless, and I'm so sorry God. I'm so sorry, God.
Just tired. Guess I should go to bed. Sorry about the ramblings.
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:691221
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060922/msgs/691315.html