Posted by Fivefires on February 28, 2008, at 14:19:00
In reply to I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today » Fivefires, posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 14:41:30
> Did something happen to trigger this? Or is it out of the blue? I agree with ClearSkies -- this sounds like a time for calling your own doctor or going to the emergency room. (Often the crisis beds are filled through the emergency room, rather than through the crisis lines. Sad system, but I don't know that there's any easy fix for it.)
>
> I suspect that more than three people love you, that sounds like me when I'm depressed -- the depression talking, telling me things that just feed the depression.
>
> I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I sometimes picture my depression as being like a parasitic entity -- it has to feed itself, to stay alive, and it fights hard to stay alive. When I start that negative self-talk that leaves me feeling pathetic and contemptible, I remind myself that it's just the Black Beast trying to protect itself. Sometimes, that helps me counter the habitual negative thoughts, which eventually leaves me feeling a bit better.
>It's too strong, this Beast, for me to talk my way out of or think my way out of.
> Could you think of some things you could do that might help you right now? When I get to feeling as though I'm unloved, unlovable, and generally tired of this life, I do try to find some things to do to take care of myself, and they often are helpful. Even if I don't actually feel better, often I have been distracted for a long enough while to get a break from the distress. Here are some of the things I do, that I have found helpful. They might offer you some ideas that might help you.
>
> 1. I read. Often I can escape into a fantasy novel, or a children's book, or just any sort of potato chip book. (Potato Chip Book -- no nutritional value, but you can't eat just one.) In fact, if I'm reading in a certain kind of way -- escapist reading, I call it -- it's often a clue to me that I'm experiencing increased depression...
>No strength to concentrate.
> 2. I sit in front of the TV and knit. The less brain work it involves, the better. Reruns of Law & Order? You betcha! Hours at a time...
>Can't focus. Keep hitting rewind until finally just shut it off.
> 3. Sometimes I just lie down on the sofa, pull a quilt over my head, and doze. Or turn on the TV and watch by sticking my face out from under the quilt. My cocoon -- I sometimes say I'm pupating in there...
>The only comfort I can manage to give myself is wrapping myself in my father's throw blanket ... I feel loved in there.
> 4. Since I often experience this sort of thing because I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do, I make lists of things to do, and just try to do them. I usually limit it to three things per day, but I get a certain satisfaction from getting them done.
>I'm exhausted and wasted R. The 'give up' feeling is only stopped by thinking of my three children and their sorrow or the example I would set. So, w/ this exhaustion (I can't take Provigil constantly.) and loss of love of life, I am truly unable to pull myself out of it or away from it.
> 5. I dive into the internet -- search YouTube for Alison Moyet videos; read about something on Wikipedia, which often leads to six other articles, and I look up to find hours have passed. Read through the archives at The Straight Dope. Organize and update my wish lists at Amazon. Look at all the ads for spinning wheels on Ebay. Check out used car listings, or used bookstores, or other shopping sites. (Zappos.com is a major time-sink for me...) Again -- it doesn't actually help, but it sure works to distract me...
>The prior sounds like me a few years ago. Bad things have piled up on me since that time and rendered me uninterested and w/o the ability to care that I am truly in a very unhealthy state.
> And I post here, but that goes without saying. And that's something you've already done.
>
> NB: I don't mean to sound cold, if I do.Oh no .. you don't sound cold at all. I think maybe I've just gotten into something very deep here and maybe trying to reach me isn't working. All your ideas are perfectly good ones for those w/ the bit of energy to do them.
> I don't think I have much talent for conveying any sort of warmth in my writing, but it doesn't mean I don't care how bad others are feeling. I am truly trying to help.>
I all already sensed that about you long ago :)
To any1 else I've not yet responded, I'm can find no better word than to say 'I'm *frozen* in this.
Provigil helps but I only take it if needed.
Some of you may know about the private articles (diary, letters to children, stories of my life, and other things) that are missing from my home and have thoughts about where they are. Have found my car unlocked several times I've gone downstairs to unlock it. Feel someone is messing w/ me; no, not imagining, not paranoid; rational.
I can barely move right now. I sit here for 30 seconds w/ my fingers restng on the keyboard thinking of what I need to say and keep drawing a blank and then something seems appropriate.
Will move on to next friend asap.
tkgdorwhateverorwhomeverweworship 4u all, 5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:813926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080215/msgs/815182.html